There's A Pill For That

Fading of the Cries and new inspiration

2012-02-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

I watched the fantasy flick "Fading of the Cries" last night, courtesy of Netflix, and I was quite taken with it. In fact, I watched it twice. My old favorite Brad Dourif did not disappoint in his grand bizarreness. The script and directing choices held my interest both times I viewed the film. It inspired some thoughts in the "what if" category and I busily made notes for a future writing endeavor. I have stopped the habit of getting a fresh batch of ideas for another writing project I have sketched out and stopping what I am doing. I have found if I record ideas by voice or scribbling the ideas still move me down the road when I re-visit the burst of thoughts.

My renewed determination in finishing scripts reminds of the days back in the late 1970s and very early 1980s when I would spend two and three hours a night down in my basement "office" typing away. I got so much done then because of that focus. I got somewhere with the writing and anytime I have focused like that on anything, I have gotten somewhere with it - at least where I wanted to go with the material in terms of presenting it publicly. I have gotten much better at tuning out or redirecting potential distractions.

I have also noticed my focus is significantly improved in the evenings when I do not have caffeine or sugary items after 11 a.m. The difference is quite amazing actually.

The one act play is now in its second draft. I'm beyond thrilled with it.

As the mind churns

2012-02-01T11:57:00.003-05:00

I finished Garry O'Connor's excellent biography on playwright Sean O'Casey last night. I am in the middle of several writing projects and the one that has me the most absorbed is the one-act play. I don't like to share the plots of my work online, so I don't. I can share that this one-act play will be what is termed a tragde-comedy. I picked up my love and understanding of tragic-comedy duality through my early love of Irish plays and stories. O'Casey was a world-class brat, no question about it, but he was a most determined, and brilliant brat. For all the contempt he held against others and entire institutions, he managed to make a happy home life for himself and inspire fierce loyalty in spite of himself.

This one-act play that I am writing will mark the third time I am submitting a play for a professional production. My past plays were commissioned by various type of organizations, except for "Tender Moments With My Cat," for a short play competition back in 1990. It got a professional production, along with the other contest winners, in New York. I was pleased with it. I then wrote another one-act play called "Boomerang" which got produced as well by the same theater. I wish I knew where that script is now. I can't find it. One thing I prefer to do, as opposed to Mr. O'Casey, is not attend rehearsals or productions of my work. That's how it has been in the past. I don't know if I will feel any differently if any of my new crop of plays gets a production. Once I've written the thing, it's a matter of interpretation and I can't control that once the play is out of my hands. I don't dwell on what I cannot control. I don't fight with people who may criticize my work (or me). There isn't much you can do to alter interpretations or opinions except to keep moving forward with your own vision and truth. Your actions will either educate or be ignored. I wondered while reading the O'Casey biography how much of the energy he spent writing lengthy counter-criticisms of his work and responding to real and perceived slights could have been spent writing more (and better) plays.

Conserving emotional and psychic energy is no small matter. It is too easy to get distracted and hung up on what is, in the ultimate scheme of things, not very important. I noted in this bio on O'Casey that as his life became less complicated and more comfortable his creative powers picked up and even with his ageing and poor eyesight issues was able to be productive. As my life has calmed down and become more stable in the past year (after a few years of total instability and chaos) my creative juices almost need some kind of dam, or at the very least, a way to note ideas and concepts for future pondering. I have found ways and means to do this without losing focus on what I am working on right now. This has been a long time coming and it's not something I will take for granted. I am always looking for ways to better harness my energy and save ideas in a potent form for later use.

One of my intentions for the near future is to write some screenplays in the horror genre. For that, I will look for a pen name that does not give away my female gender. There is a prejudice in the industry that women can't write good sci-fi stories, or even horror stories (save for Ann Rice and Mary Shelly). For me to get a script under the right nose, I need the right sounding name or at least a name that sounds male. I am seriously considering using Yeats O'Casey as my pseudonym. I wonder what O'Casey would have thought of that???

Chugging Along

2011-12-27T15:03:00.001-05:00

Ah, the challenge of a brain that can go in 5 directions at once! While working on my play over the long weekend, I suddenly got an idea having to do with the novel I've been tinkering but got stuck with. The idea was such that I had to stop working on the play and spend the next two hours editing and re-structuring some of the book. I have learned to manage these inspirational asides to the point where I actually get projects done. There comes a point where you have to let the thing fly.

I will have this play finished in plenty of time for submitting it where I want it to go. A friend recently asked me to write a one-act play for her to direct for a festival next year. I have not committed to that yet. I am very focused on getting this play done and out the door. I have not felt this in tune with a writing project in many years.

Post-Traumatic Stress?

2011-04-14T10:37:00.002-04:00

Anyone who knows me is aware that for the past several years, I've been very underemployed or not employed at all. Unemployment paychecks stop coming after a time, and even when I got unemployment, it was not enough to pay all of my bills. I had to give up having a car and many other things most take for granted.

Even now with a great job and working environment that seems practically designed for me, I still hesitate to celebrate. Too many times things seem to be taking a turn for the better then it ally disappeared through no fault of my own. I have not seen any signs of anything going south with this particular job much as I started to after a short time at other jobs. I should feel more confident about it. But I do not.

I talked with a friend who is a social worker who told me that my feelings are not unusual for those who have struggled for a long time to find employment. I half-jokingly quipped that I felt as if I had some sort of Post-Traumatic Disorder. I link that illness with those who have suffered a catastrophic physical event and not someone who has been unemployed and struggling. However, my friend told me that spending months and even years consumed by looking for employment - just looking for any paycheck and not finding much of anything - is one of the most stressful things that can happen to anyone.

I thought a lot about my conversation with her afterwards and I can easily recollect even as recent as this past January feeling as if I was going to lose my mind, yet again. The constant stress and then my spending literally 8 hours a day looking through want ads, being on line looking for work and creating new resumes and even going down the employment office to look through what they had posted. I even had the thought of being 50 years old and never getting hired again. I had that thought many times over.

I was fortunate in many years in that when it came to pivotal moments (such as will I be moving into a tent to live?) I had friends and family who tapped into their limited resources to help. This one reason why I will never judge a homeless person on the street - a person who hit a bad patch because they lost their job and didn't have anyone to help them. It is so easy to wind up on the streets as a homeless person.

One of the reasons I post this note is that many FB friends and others who read my blog are experiencing the pain and stress of not having a job and, like me, consumed every waking hour with looking for work or some way to pay rent and utilities. If you feel as if the stress is overwhelming remember you can get treatment at clinics and through Medicaid. Talk to your doctor about it and don't allow the stress to manifest itself in your body. I gained 50 pounds during all the years I've been looking for steady, full-time work. I am only now starting to lose that weight. Also, realize that it will take you time, once you find employment, to feel less stressed so don't think it's weird if you started a new job and even after a few months still feel wigged out. My friend the social worker tells me that is normal and that over time that feeling will dissipate.

One important piece of advice that the social worker gave me: try to do something for yourself each day even it is only going on a nice walk through a park. There are free things to do and it is important that you safeguard your mental health every way possible as constant stress wears you down physically and mentally.

Slowly but surely . .

2010-09-21T23:46:00.002-04:00

I saw news footage of a job fair in Philadelphia and the line of hopefuls looked as if it were a mile long. What a line! The news story went on to say that the recession and the lack of work has put many of the unemployed and underemployed in financial straits that will take "years to recover from." Lordee, how true that is for me though I don't think it will take more than two or three years to put things right. Most of my "debt" from the lack of work is in personal loans from friends and family but there is as much drive to want and pay that back quickly as it would be on a big credit card bill. Actually, the drive is more intense when you want to give back money to people you care about as quickly as possible. Even though this entry level job I have doesn't pay all that much, it still enables me to make a living and allows some opportunity for overtime on holidays. As long as I stay employed for the next few years I can achieve the financial goals I have for myself.

I am ever mindful of how much worse my situation could have been. In spite of being either underemployed or unemployed for the past few years, I found ways to stay in my townhouse and eat. I had to give up having a car of my own and some other things but at least I didn't have children to support or similar worries those with a mortgage and other involved financial commitments. Many times when I felt pretty hopeless about things, all I needed to do was read the news and see how much worse others have it.

This brings me to my current situation. I have yet to get a paycheck (I will on October 8th) but I will get one which is great news and NEW news! This job enables me to see just how messed up people can make their lives; unnecessarily complicate their lives with not taking care of their business and being careless. Not taking care of your business will come back to bite you in the ass and you can't run from it. When I come home from work, I am mentally spent (some may argue I'm always mentally spent) because of the intense focus all day. It wears me out as I am not having to focus all day every day. But I love learning about the judicial system at this level so at least I am happy and mentally spent when I leave work.

I wondered how the shift work was going to affect my ability to audition for and be in plays. The rotating shift means I will work the 4 to midnight shift and midnight to 8 am shift at least once a month including weekends. The supervisor tries to be fair about the scheduling. I work more days than anything. I think what I will do is that if I get cast in a show I will engage in the time honored practice of trading shifts when I am scheduled to rehearse and then for the show when I am scheduled to work weekend nights. That's not too often fortunately. Of course I will have vacation and comp time to use up. This court is a 24 hour court. If you are scheduled to work on a holiday (not the day observed but the holiday itself) you get time and a half plus a comp day. You have to use the comp days by the end of each year. Whee!

I'm so happy things have started to turn around and I pray that trend continues. I am mindful of how bad others still have it. I read that the recession supposedly ended in June which is fine on paper but for those who still do not have work or any income, how would they know it ended? I do see more job postings on the state website but still pages and pages of sheriff's sales in the newspaper.

I'm just to thankful for my change of luck and wish the same for everyone still out there looking for work.

A Well-Seasoned Life

2010-09-20T04:31:00.002-04:00

The one fear I have in life is getting in a rut and not able to get out of it.

From 2007 through 2009 I had Stage 1 skin cancer and had to undergo treatment. As far as treatments go, it was "mild" but my system is rather delicate when it comes to taking in any type of harsh medication. In short, the treatment laid me low, tampered with my short and long term memory and made it impossible some days to function very well. The treatment was worse than the illness. The skin cancer spot I had was eradicated but the after effects of the treatment raged on for quite a bit and only during this past year have I started to feel better. The bloating has subsided and my memory is improving little by little.

One thing that came out of all this was the realization that some things that had made happy, activities I had enjoyed, had become obligations. They were not fulfilling. I had to back out of many activities due to my protracted health issues; once I started to get better I discovered that I wasn't anxious to return to a few activities that I had been engaged in for a very long time. There were other external factors too, but realizing how much I wasn't enjoying them anymore surprised me. They had been, as I said, things I had been doing for a long time. But there it was - I wasn't interested anymore. So, that realized, what now?

I decided that I wanted to change my career and pull my energy and time away from other things. It's one thing to change your career path and quite another to get into the market you want to be in, especially during a bad economy. It was frustrating to repeatedly get turned down for even entry level positions I was willing to take in order to learn law enforcement. But, finally, after a lot of persistence and prayer I got to where I wanted to be and landed an entry level position in law enforcement. Thanks to the state, I will be able to take classes in criminal justice starting in January.

The decision to focus on my own writing projects has been easier said than done. I was not able to pour my pain and frustration into writing as some writers can do: not knowing where the rent money was going to come from each and every month worried me to the point it my creative juices were blocked.

I'm in the process of creating a special place to write in my home that will function as a sanctuary. I realize how much more time and energy I have now that I have pulled back from activities whose pleasure components had long since died.

And that's a good thing.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

2009-04-08T17:42:00.003-04:00

I don't know who created this but it's brilliant stuff.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans

Scary Stuff

2009-03-09T16:12:00.002-04:00

My Aunt Olive took another bad fall and is temporarily in a nursing home. Mom and I went to see her yesterday. Olive looked the worst I had ever seen her, almost shrinking it seemed. She was on oxygen and as lucid as she normally is. But she looked horrible. She will refuse to stay in the nursing once it is time to make a decision whether or not to send her home after all these tests; should the decision be she is better off in the nursing home, she won't stay.

But she can't walk or travel very far. Mom keeps wanting to take her down to the shore or visit Aunt Isabelle in Georgetown but the 90 minute drive is too much for Olive. I have taken her on rides in recent times and 45 minutes is about all she can endure sitting in a car. She becomes so stiff it's hard to get her out of the car, let alone walk anywhere.

I worry.

There really is more to life . . .

2009-03-06T17:49:00.002-05:00

I was very surprised that my posting on various sides of the Second Amendment issue netted so many personal emails rather than comments to the blog. While I appreciate the feedback, I am somewhat disturbed at the amount of time many of those email authors seem to devote to guns in general. It goes beyond caring about defending the Second Amendment; it's a mindset that is, frankly, a little scary.

I care about the Constitution, all of it, not just one or two Amendments. I care about the choices I make to protect myself in my home. I am active in defending the Constitution where I feel it is being threatened. But too many of the emails I received yesterday were from people whose entire lives seem wrapped up in the whole gun thing. I have a problem with people whose entire lives are wrapped up in ANY one thing. I feel strongly about many issues affecting our society today but in order for me to be able to have perspective and understand the world around me, I think about many things affecting my immediate world and the society in which we live.

Maybe it's the teacher in me that wants to scream to such individuals: do something else besides ONE THING!! Think about other things. Do something different. There is a big world out there. Geez. It's really hard for me to understand the obsessive mindset whereby one thing is all one thinks and talks about.

I don't want any more emails from gun nuts. I believe in the right to bear arms but if you want your gun to be a second dick for yourself, that's up to you. For heavens sake, are you so limited that there is nothing else in life worth doing or talking about? If nothing else in life is interesting to follow and this is all you can talk about, I feel sorry for your obsessiveness. I never heard of these folks I got email from yesterday but they were vehment as if the presentation of various sides of a controversial issue was going to erode their collective stand somehow.

No, it's called looking at different sides of an issue; doing so will not cause you to combust. Some of you who sent me email yesterday really need to get a grip. Get out more. There's a big, wonderful world out there. Honest.

Second Amendment Rights

2009-03-05T16:51:00.002-05:00

Below is a surprisingly good resource on understanding the controversy over the right to bear arms and what does that exactly mean.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

I believe everyone has the right to own a gun if they wish. Having the right does not translate into everyone wanting to own a gun (for example, my mother doesn't want one in her house and she grew up in a household where having multiple guns was the norm) or suddenly our nation becomes the wild, wild west (anymore than it is right now).

My grandfather Walls loved guns. He could not afford the higher quality guns but he loved what he had and enjoyed target shooting and hunting. He taught his children how to use a gun. His wife, Margaret, was a champion sharpshooter as a young woman. To Grandpop, the weapon was nothing more than a resource to use to put food on the table and defend the family if necessary. The denial of his right to have a gun would have made things difficult for his family.

Ignorant Redneck Alert . . .

2009-03-04T16:31:00.002-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/04/leahy.commission/index.html

While I am glad to see a discussion on torture and not using it as a "fishing expedition" on a prisoner, I would like to see more talk on devising a policy on the use of torture to retrieve vital information from a prisoner who does indeed have life-or-death information on matters of national security.

Condoning the use of torture for a fishing expedition on any prisoner is talk of ignorant rednecks. We've seen what having that type in charge of the government for the past decade has cost us.

My view is that is a prisoner is known to have information that could save American lives, that prisoner can avoid being tortured by giving up that information. It is our right to know that information. An example of this was a recent episode of "24" where Jack Bauer was prevented from torturing a prisoner who admitted to having key information which would lead to the deaths of Americans. My view is the prisoner should be pressed for that information. The length and intensity of the torture is something the prisoner brings upon himself.

If things were only that simple in life.

Could it be . .

2009-02-20T20:01:00.003-05:00

After eight years of "shoot-first, ask-questions-never," we have a president who is not afraid of a much harder, complex war? Politicians generally want a war where clear measurements of who is winning and losing are always available. Obama isn't afraid to go into a war where intelligence is the key to success and thus making it difficult for Al Quida to operate and have shelter.

The Honorary Oscar for Charlie Chaplin

2009-02-13T21:53:00.003-05:00

I had occasion to spend a lot of time on Youtube and came across this clip of Charlie Chaplin receiving an honorary Oscar in April of 1972. Chaplin had been out of the U.S. for twenty years following his being ostracized for his political views among other things. His return to receive this Oscar was quite the triumph and even though the tape you can feel the emotions of Chaplin and the audience. What a moment.

Clock the standing ovation . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3Pl-qvA1X8

I want what I want

2009-02-12T18:08:00.002-05:00

So it would seem for the woman bearing eight new children to add to her existing collection of six.

And, no, she can't afford it. She can hardly afford herself and the brood she has.

But her solution to all that was to have more children. Now she has 14.

She loves kids, is the excuse.

She wants what she wants no matter what. Her supposed love of children makes me gag.

Let's pretend for a moment that this mother can indeed financially support 14 children. How much quality time can this mother hope to spend with each child each day? Not much.

But this woman wanted the kids because she loves kids.

I do not have children but I have enough exposure to those who do to know how expensive clothing a child can be and what a typical child wants growing up. There are the toys, the media games, sneakers - all the things children want to have to be like the other kids and because they enjoy playing games on their DS Nintendo, Playstation, Wii - whatever it is. How do you do that with 14 children? Even a parent who is conservative about how many toys his or her child has would be hard pressed buying a mininum of stuff for their 14 kids.

The kids are going to want the basic things children want and not get it or get the item second or third hand if at all. This is a deliberate choice by the mother. She has consigned her children to getting only miminal one-on-one time with their parent and to receive second and third hand items and be denied the pricier toys outright.

What a selfish, selfish woman.

"The Past is Very Small"

2009-02-02T21:26:00.001-05:00

The Past is Very Small
Originally uploaded by lauren.rabbit

I'm always amazed at what a photograph can dredge up from your soul. The artist is, of course, sharing a part of his or her soul in the art.

This piece by artist Lauren Simonutti, one of my favorite artists, is an example. She can be found on deviantart.com. If you've never visited deviantart.com, you are missing out on some fun and beautiful stuff.

New World?

2009-01-23T16:44:00.002-05:00

For the first time in seven years, the new year started out without a personal crisis on the horizon. I'm still gun-shy and each new good thing makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop.

For the first time that I can ever remember, even my mother was revved up about the upcoming inaugaration of Obama. Mom is a life-long republican but has always voted for the best person for a political job no matter what the party affiliation. This time, for the second time, she not only voted for the Democratic ticket but voted for a black president. In our household and among our friends, the "anything is better than Bush" thought is prevalent though obviously I do not want anyone in the White House who cannot do any better. Bush's shoot now and ask questions later approach was how things worked in the Old West but not in modern America. I still do not understand why we have not been waging the war where Bin Laden lives. Maybe Bush was too chicken to take the war to Bin Laden's front step. If we are going to fight a war, let's go where the enemy lives. I'm all for smoking Bin Laden out or making it impossible to do business. But being in Iraq isn't doing all that.

I believe Bush was too afraid to go where Bin Laden lives because it is not a traditional war situation for our troops. Just going in and start shooting isn't what's needed. I think Obama (and hope) will go where our former president did not in the quest to protect ourselves from those who wish to harm us.

It's wait and see.

Some hard choices . .

2009-01-12T17:58:00.003-05:00

The fictitious hero Jack Bauer of the popular TV show "24" makes no apologies for having tortured individuals he knew held information that would led to capturing a terrorist(s). In real life, the decision to torture an individual for information he or she may have isn't an easy decision if you are any kind of a human being. I've asked myself how far would I go to get information out of someone who I believed had the fate of thousands or millions of people in his or her hands.

If I was sure that person had such information and millions of lives were at stake, I probably would engage in some despicable acts. At least I think so but I don't know for sure. The sight and smell of blood in a real environment makes me sick to my stomach big time. Of course torture can be justified if you cite that the person being tortured can stop it at any time by providing the desired information. You have to hope that the person being tortured does indeed know anything of use to you.

What a horrible decision to have to make and then live with. How far would you go if all this was in your hands?

There are some simpler choice in regards to self-preservation. I do know that if someone broke into my house and was coming up the stairs I would have no problem shooting that person with my trusty .38. Would I hope to kill the person for daring to break into my house?

No. I only hope to stop him or her from wreaking havoc on me or anyone else in my household. I have no qualms about doing that. I would be less than thrilled about having to shot someone but it was not my choice to break into the house and menace the occupants. I am not a good person to try and menace.

It's unfortunate in this life that choices have to be made about self-preservation but those who put us in the position of having to make a choice - a violent choice - do not give us much choice, do they?

Moving Along, singing a song . .

2009-01-05T20:22:00.003-05:00

If you have experienced about seven years worth of bad luck, it should be expected that a sudden good thing would be viewed with some trepidation. I landed an extremely well-paying job kicking off in grand style in December and hovering bills of pending doom have been paid off. The next project is paying off personal loans that have accrued over the past several years.

To top it off, the candidate that I voted for won the presidential election this year. This was the most exciting election this country has seen in decades. One friend of mine cautioned that Obama didn't have the experience regarding war. She couldn't really tell me where President Bush's so-called war experience showed itself during his tenure or that of any of his other supposedly "experienced" advisors. This country has faced its worst financial crisis in half a century and the war in Iraq is a frankenstein. Thank you, Mr. Bush.

It was nothing short of a miracle that I landed this job when I did considering the environment. I definitely count my blessings.

Making Changes, Making Some Sense

2008-12-22T17:52:00.003-05:00

Since I am still working on making the melanoma go away, I have decided to cut back on professional long-term commitments. I am not going to teach next semester at the local community college. I have another job that pays well enough for me to just work the regular daily hours and they are understanding if I am too sick to work.

Usually when I am sick, I gain weight. This time, I am losing weight. My pants are hanging around my waist and need to be kept on with a belt until I replace them with a smaller size.

After over a year trying to sell the Frid DVDs of "Fridiculousness" I have sold out. It was slow going because there were legal reasons the advertisement of the DVDs could not be done in the normal way. But I knew that going on but I didn't think it would take this long. It should not have for various reasons. The next time though, I plan on doing things differently. Much differently.

I am not too old to learn.

All Things Considered . . .

2008-12-10T14:08:00.002-05:00

I am still waiting for that other shoe to drop. Things have been going well for me though my thoughts and prayers are with friends, one of whom is in a coma. Life support was removed yesterday but this lady keeps on ticking. She's a fighter. She's a wonderful lady though the odds are not in her favor for recovery: there is too much brain damage. Her partner in all things, including craziness, is holding up well under the circumstances. Of course, the reality of all this has not quite hit her full in the face. It all sucks.

The stress of this year (and the one before it) has wreaked havoc on my health. I know - bitch bitch bitch.

Things could be much worse. At least now I have a real honest to goodness health insurance card for the first time in years. My other health issues are being taken care of slowly but surely.

I've had far more fun with Facebook than I ever imagined. I re-connected with several old friends and I've enjoyed the reunion if only via keyboard. I cannot plan much beyond a week from now the way things stand.

Screwed and Improved

2008-11-18T19:20:00.002-05:00

After being led to believe Kay could collect a decent settlement for all of the physical pain and inconvenience she has endured since her car accident over a year ago, she has since learned the settlement isn't what she expected. In fact, after various companies involved in her treatment are paid off there isn't hardly anything left. The news would have been more crushing had it not been for an unexpected turn in my professional endeavors.

My part-time faculty position has kept me barely above water. However, that said, I am hoping to get assigned again to at least two classes next semester in spite of the newly imposed hiring freeze. Out of the blue last week, an agency called me and asked me to interview for a position at a local law firm working in intellectual property. The hours 2 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. were okay to me. I went for the interview and later learned I was the only one the three partners and HR person wanted to interview. I was hired two days later at a salary that went above and beyond my dreams and expectations. Even better, the people are genuinely pleasant, congenial folks to work with and everyone gets along. It's a small firm, well-appointed interior design, and located 15 minutes from me. I don't have my own car and currently use one that doesn't have any heat. But, I can't complain. The money I will start earning in December will more than make-up for what was lost in the settlement and finally I can return favors and take care of business for the first time in quite a while.

The firm pays for my parking in the garage and welcomes the fact that I also teach at a local college. The best of both worlds and the work will be interesting.

I'm increasingly glad that I live near my mother. She had a brief, weird spell a few weeks back at work (she is 77 and still works; she loves her job) when her blood pressure bottomed out three times in fifteen minutes to the point where she almost blacked out. A friend drove her to the nearby hospital and after an overnight stay, the doctors were not able to pin-point what caused the sudden drop in blood pressure. A minor stroke? No one is sure. She doesn't have any residual effect from the episode but is leery of driving a car until some answers can be found.

It's been a blessing this unexpected full-time job with benefits. I cannot believe how much money I will be making. I still want to teach. Things are actually starting to improve but after years of bad luck, I can't feel altogether happy thinking the shoe is gonna drop somewhere.

OBAMA WINS!!

2008-11-04T23:18:00.001-05:00

I never ever thought I would live long enough to see a black man elected president of the U.S.

How happy I am this evening.

Free CreditReport.com Actor Eric Violette

2008-10-18T04:30:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQXh8W96ugw

I think the FreeCreditReports.com commercials are fun. I think the lead actor is cute. I discovered that he is a French Canadian and sings quite well. It is nice his voice on the commercial. In the clip on youtube.com that I highlighted, he is singing something like the French blues. French is one sexy language. He's not bad either.

I am archived!

2008-10-02T18:56:00.002-04:00

For the first half of the 1980s while in my early twenties, I became a regional "celebrity." While it was not my first taste of celebrity, it was the first experience that would forever alter my childhood ambition to be famous.

However, singular pleasures abounded. Now I can look on the internet and learn that my letters and articles written in the Philadelphia monthly "The Irish Edition" are now housed in the Pennsylvania Historical Society.

http://www.hsp.org/files/findingaid3049irishedition.pdf

My letters concerning subjects of Irish literature and history I was working on are also housed in the National Library of Ireland, located in Dublin.

http://www.nli.ie/pdfs/mss%20lists/093_MichaelCollinsPapers.pdf

Totally groovy, man.

Where is the other shoe?

2008-09-26T16:06:00.002-04:00

Our household is anxiously awaiting the settlement Kay will be getting from the insurance company. Though it is, obviously, Kay's money, funds will go towards getting a new car, paying off loans incurred when we had almost no income, and put our household into the shape we want it. Kay and I have always shared household expenses and established the kind of trust whereby we do not keep count who has put how much when into the single household account. While sharing a home, I usually have been the one who made the most money and consequently put more money into the household account we share.

Now we are champing at the bit for the settlement. We are at the "any day now" stage of the settlement being finalized. There was a significant delay a few weeks ago due to the fact the hurricane damage in the south was monopolizing insurance agents' time and energies. That is not the case now. So we wait. I have a feeling it will be the middle or end of October before the money is in Kay's hands. Once the attorney has the money, there is time to pay other expenses the firm incurred, take their percentage and holding the money in escrow for a period of time. I think that is six weeks.

I will be so glad when all this is over. It's been hell.

I'm working on my website which will assist me greatly in getting work. I can't wait until I finish that project!

Uh oh

2008-09-22T08:59:00.002-04:00

I'm lucky that I have friends who look out for me. I gave a friend a big part of me and ever since I can't do anything right in this friend's eyes. Now my buddies are telling me I've been used and should chalk this experience up to "never saw it coming." I was wined, dined and used. Oh well. I'll get over it should I decide that was indeed the case. I'm still undecided.

Peter and John on a roll . . . check it out

2008-09-05T22:38:00.002-04:00

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/120943.html

I'm so happy for my buddies Peter and John. Their show is making news in New York.

Great joke . .

2008-08-26T12:13:00.000-04:00

---
The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Some news . .

2008-08-26T11:50:00.001-04:00

I have re-joined the adjunct faculty at a local community college. My first two classes were today. I teach 8 hours a week reading and writing analytical skills. Yay me.

My Return!

2008-08-14T07:38:00.002-04:00

Sorry that I have neglected my blog! I've not been terribly inspired to write on it.

I've been plenty busy mostly with house things and trying to re-orient my daily routine and papers to gear myself towards writing, entering competitions, attending writing conferences and things of that nature. It is more time-consuming than one thinks.

I would love to blog about the ideas for stories I am fleshing out however I fear doing that. I also have a suspicion about talking on current projects rather than just working on them. That's where the energy needs to go.

And now a word from our sponsor . . .

2008-07-04T22:02:00.003-04:00

Did you hear the one about the three chameleons who came into a bar . . . .

Funny and clever . . .

2008-06-29T17:23:00.000-04:00

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

--

Delaware Seashore Surprises, Indeed.

2008-06-27T23:39:00.005-04:00

CNN online is running a feature about one of Delaware's pride and joys: Lewes. See below.

ttp://www.cnn.com/2008/TRAVEL/getaways/06/24/delaware.shore/index.html

When I moved from Delaware to New York City in 1986, I quickly learned that for all the glories the Big Apples held for me, one key thing was missing: a decent beach. Oh sure, there are very clean and lovely beaches such as Jones Beach and the Hampton Beaches are fine too; however, none of them hold a candle to what Delaware beaches offer in conjunction with the nearby beaches of South Jersey and Ocean City, Maryland.

I've had friends travel to the Carolinas and luxuriate on the Barren Island and Hilton Head. I've been there too. It's much cheaper to rent a house or some other property there for a week on the beach than it is here in Delaware or even South Jersey. I might do that once or twice but nothing beats a Kersey Beach Day starting in my native Delaware.

My routine starts off the same as many others on a Saturday morning: pack up and stop off at Wawa where everyone else in Delaware stops before going down to the shore via Route 1, Routes 13 or 113 or the back road Route 9.

What the hell is a Wawa you ask?

Wawa is an institution, a franchise found all over my state, Maryland, Jersey and parts of Pennsylvania, is a bright, sparkling, inviting convenience store where you can get cups of ice, cheap ice buckets and containers, basic groceries, ice cold drinks, iced coffee, delicious coffees of all kinds, candy and very good sandwiches made while you watch. However, negotiating the parking lot at a Wawa in Delaware on a Saturday morning will see you perform some of the most skillful driving you'll ever do in a parking lot. Everyone descends on this store on Saturday mornings. Those who have places down at the beach descend on Friday afternoon and Friday night before making the hour trek downstate to the many beaches, including my favorite Cape Henlopen located just outside of Lewes. Lewes has a shore side where you can enjoy the bay without the waves. Henlopen's beach is the Atlantic Ocean and also has a roomy bath house to wash up and change after being in the salty water and sandy beach. They have a nice little store for hot dogs, water ice, hamburgers and drinks. It's very good junk food.

I don't visit Rehoboth Beach that much because the parking situation is miserable. There is a nice boardwalk with some kiddie type rides and lots of fun stores and good junk food, including Grotto's Pizza to eat while looking out at the water. I prefer Cape Henlopen where I pitch my wide umbrella, set up the chairs and run into the water. Yep, I do the raft riding thing on the crashing waves. Sometimes I crash too. Sometimes a wave will hit me so hard my freckles fly off.

After a few hours of that and sitting on the beach, I go shower and change into dry clothes, head to the car and then to the Lewes-Cape May Ferry. The 45 minute crossing to Cape May is very relaxing, the food on the ferry is lousy. Don't plan to eat on this ride. The best part is that you can take your car on the ship.

Once in Cape May, I drive to Wildwood where it is a mile or two of boardwalk. These are great rides. These are not the rides of Six Flags: you are not risking death or injury or illness on the great Water Flume ride. The wood roller coaster is fantastic as are many of the attractions. You will not snap your neck on any of these. Again, this is where you get the best high quality junk food. The elephant ears, custard, water ice, caramel corn, etc. is the best you will have anywhere. If you get to the boardwalk before 6 p.m., you pay about $15.00 to go on all the rides for the rest of the day. After 6 p.m., you have to buy tickets and this can get a little costly - plan to spend about $50 for two adults to go on about six or seven "popular" rides or so. It's worth the money. Day goes into night at the beach (and everywhere else) and it's quite relaxing and beautiful. The shops are great fun too. Many friends who visit me I take there. When I lived in NYC I took people visiting me there down to Wildwood.

I cannot recommend this kind of day enough. I never found anything close to it in New York. The Hamptons are lovely about half a day of Hamptons is enough for me and I certainly don't ever get the hankering to go there. They do not have anything Delaware doesn't have except maybe celebrities and rich people. I don't go to the beach to see celebrities. I have plenty of friends who are rich and know enough so-called celebrities without stepping out the door, not that I would step out the door for such things in the first place.

How Embarrassingly Dumb Some People Are

2008-06-17T14:43:00.002-04:00

I'm all for free speech. If you don't like something, you can speak out about it. That doesn't save you from being dumb about your viewpoint.

We are seeing some progress in our society - exciting progress. It appears that we very well may have a black man for president, a woman for vice-president and states are starting to grant the right to marriage for gay couples.

California recently stepped up to the plate and the protestors came out in force, seeking to make it known that a great sin is being committed.

If you don't like blacks, think women incapable of holding a high office or that gays are a sinful lot and should not be allowed any rights in our society, that's fine. You're an idiot, but that's fine. You have the right to be an idiot and make it obvious to the entire world.

But our judicial system doesn't and shouldn't legislate morality since so many of us have a different view of what proper morality is.

I am a Christian and practice my faith the very best that I can. I don't believe homosexuality is a sin. Jesus doesn't mention it in the New Testament. The Old Testament served its purpose in telling about the impending arrival of the Messiah. Jesus did not preach hate. Jesus did not march protesting those he disagreed with; he did not throw stones at them, he did not call them names.

It's nothing short of shameful to witness supposed Christians bellyaching about the "sanctity of marriage" when you do not see these same people pickiting outside the apartments and houses in neighborhoods of those couples who are not married. You do not see them protesting against those who eat shellfish (it says in the Old Testatement you shouldn't do that) and many other things from the same Old Testament verses which speaks out against same sex sexual activity. Why pick one thing to get their knickers in a bind over? Why pick this ONE thing?

If you can find love and happiness with someone of the same sex, good for you. You can have a family if you want. If you find love and happiness with someone of the opposite sex, good for you too. You can have a family if you want. That's basically why most people get married: for legal reasons especially when it comes to having children. Of course some people get married with no intention of having children but the marriage cements certain legal rights and such status as to receive benefits along with your spouse from one or the other's employment.

What possible business is it of anyone's what two people do in their bed? What business is it what they do with each other if it is consensual? How they choose to structure their lives? They are not breaking any laws of the land and in a diverse society, we can't even agree with what is Christian law as some rely heavily on the Old Testament whereas others look to the New Testament for guidance.

These protestors have the right to object but a big part of me want to go and bitchslap them. I am a Christian and I believe there is only one judge in our faith and the protestors ain't it.

The Big 5-0 on June 13th!

2008-06-16T07:34:00.002-04:00

My birthday weekend worked out quite well. Pictures to follow in the next post.

In short: spent four days camping at Elk Neck State Park using camping equipment given to me by family members as part of my birthday present. My birthday dinner was at Woody's Crabhouse in North East, Maryland and friends joined me, Kay, my mother and brother for a wonderful seafood feast. The weather was great.

I had a lot of wonderful wishes and gifts come at me from many people and I was touched by them and enjoyed a few unexpected well wishes.

The four days camping along the Elk River was wonderful. Peaceful, rejuvenating.

The Big Day?

2008-06-12T16:13:00.002-04:00

One of the most wonderful things to happen in life is to meet a person who is your soul mate and lover, someone you want to spend your life with - even the rest of your life. Readers of this blog know that I have met and been with men who were soul mates for me but I knew I could not live with.

When I got engaged at the age of nineteen, I remember feeling a little hesitant about going from college into marriage even though I was crazy about Mickey. When I started the whole wedding planning process, I quickly became ill in my stomach at the importance friends and strangers put in the whole planning process and the wedding day itself. "It's the big event of your life," I was told by someone I respected.

Instead, I was thinking the big event of my life (up to that point) was the first night Mickey and I spent together and both of us being in love with the other. Exchanging vows in front of other people who mean a lot to us was certainly a charming thing to look forward to, no doubt. Having a big party to celebrate that event had a great deal of appeal for both of us.

But it could not be the big event in my life. The big day, never mind the most important day of my life as it was described by other friends and those strangers who wanted to help me in the wedding process. I felt that I was an alien not understanding the history and custom of the natives around me. I didn't get it. I understand the importance of marriage if you plan on having children or to legalize the relationship and the benefits that follow. Why all the to-do about it eludes me completely.

There is something very sad to me that an event such as a wedding day would be deemed THE important event in one's life. It was never imagined that way in my mind while I was growing up. I watch the TV shows and read articles about wedding days "ruined" because the hired band was awful or didn't show up; the dresses were not the way they should have been or the food wasn't up to snuff.

How could anything such as inadequate food, no music or bad music or botched gowns ruin a day that is supposedly about celebrating the union and love of two people? How can that even matter?

I raised eyebrows when I went to a wedding planner to talk about the basics of planning a wedding. She went through her spiel and then I said: "I am not going to be doing the garter belt thing and I won't be introduced as Mrs. Shultz at the reception. I am Nancy Kersey and I'll consider taking his surname in addition to my own. " Raised eyebrows, eyeballs shifted to look at others in our little circle.

"Oh we have a live one," I'm sure was the thought going around. I didn't care.

The whole business actually left my stomach in turmoil.

Honey, maybe you are not marriage material, I thought to myself.

The War and the Uncle I Never Knew

2008-06-02T13:18:00.002-04:00

My mother was the youngest of four children; two girls and two boys. Mom was especially close to her brothers. They were very different in temperment and she enjoyed those differences with them. My uncle Roland was killed in a freak plane accident while on a test mission in the Air Force during his service in the 1950s. The pain of that loss is still very raw for my mother. Roland's plane disappeared over the Chesapeake Bay (blew up) and nothing was found of the plane or Roland in spite of many searches. He was fluent in German, enjoyed sports, shooting targets and ready to dedicate his life to the military if things worked out. Obviously they did not and his death left a gaping hole in our family's history.

In college I took up archery, target shooting and fencing, the latter a particularly favorite sport of my Uncle Roland's. He was more formal than his siblings, a little more reserved and bookish but fun nonetheless according to Mom. I asked her if Roland would have supported the war in Iraq. She didn't take much time to think about it. "No," she replied, "I don't think he would have." There were several reasons, she thought, one of which being the war in Iraq is not addressing the our issues with the more militant members of Islam, the same sect that attacked our country in 2001.

I thought it was interesting to know what the uncle I never knew would have thought.

I got into a conversation with an acquaintance of mine last week who supports the war in Iraq. When I expressed my opposition to the war, he responded stridently, "they are the ones who drew first blood!"

"Not really if you think about what the militants are upset about. Our support of Israel and what they view as the violent oppression of Palestine and Muslims. The list goes on and on. In their mind we are the ones who drew 'first blood.' He had not considered that. Finally he said "so you support the people who attack America?"

Why is it that so many people are incapable of complex thinking? How is opposing the war in Iraq supporting terrorists when the war in Iraq isn't combating terrorism at all? "I hate it when men and women get killed over a pointless endeavor. There is no reason for us to be in Iraq. How is our being there making any difference in terrorism?"

You can have that conversation forever in our society.

I felt a sense of relief to know that the uncle I never knew may well have felt the very same way I do.

Serious as a Heart Attack . . .

2008-06-01T00:44:00.003-04:00

My Aunt Olive had yet another heart attack this past week. Now 77, she is averaging one or two heart attacks a year. I went to visit her yesterday and she really looked terrible. Usually, my aunt looks much better in the hospital than she does at home.

How can that be, you may ask.

My Aunt Olive did not get enough oxygen when she was born which greatly affected her brain. The assumption is that she is mentally retarded as a result but there well may be another diagnosis. The family has operated under the retarded diagnosis. She managed to find love, marry and have three children. The two boys are productive, hard-working citizens and the daughter, who still lives with her mother Olive, thinks the world owes her a living. Olive held down jobs throughout her life and tries to stay active in spite of progressing illness. She was outside trying to clean the pavement to her house which was covered with foliage debris and monkey balls when the latest heart attack happened.

Olive's husband worked for General Motors (40 years) and left her with a wonderful health plan. Olive gets all the medication she needs but usually doesn't take the medication or takes it irregularly so that the meds won't really help much.

I worry about her very much. I haven't seen her look so bad before and it breaks my heart. She is on oxygen right now and has been told this will have to continue after she gets home. I feel the end is near for her. I come from a very small family and losses of course make it even smaller.

Please say a prayer for my Aunt Olive.

Getting a Leg Up

2008-05-31T05:11:00.002-04:00

My best friend and house-mate Kay was in a terrible car accident back in June 2007 in which she was nearly killed. She sustained injuries requiring long-term treatment and one injury is permanent. Her attorney has made a demand to the insurance company for a substantial amount of money for her medical bills and pain and suffering compensation. I don't wish to share that amount here but I can tell you this: it affords her (and thus me since we share household expenses) the means to live a life where she will have enough money put side not only to ensure every bill gets paid on time and also funds set aside for those little emergencies and unexpected expenses that seem to dog us whenever we do not have extra money aside. When the money will be set side, those things won't happen to us anymore. I'll bet the farm on it.

It means being able to pay back the $10,000 in personal loans accrued the past three years. We have been lucky there because for the most part, those kind souls have been very patient with the fact that our circumstances constantly changed. Whenever we thought things were going to get better, the circumstances changed and we could not keep the promises we made. That's pretty humiliating and inconvenient for the folks to whom you made the promises.

I love watching Judge Judy and usually agree with her decisions. I see people being sued for unpaid loans, usually pay relatives or close friends. I've loaned money to people and never got it back. Usually the reason was either the person died or their circumstances were such repayment wasn't going to happen and that was obvious to me. I never thought less of someone because they didn't pay me back because my assumption is that they were unable to even though they believed they could. Is that naive? Maybe but I am not going to poison an otherwise good relationship over money. That's not worth complicating or ending a relationship over. It mystifies me when I watch these court shows to see close family members or friends of over a decade suing over money. I don't understand it. Before the last even years of bad luck happened to me, I knew what it was to have extra money and give it/loan it to people and changing, deteriorating circumstances made it difficult or impossible for them to repay it. I forgave the loan or just said "whenever you can." I've usually gotten the money back eventually. Still, even if I did not, I was not about to pursue it even if I needed the money. Call me naive or stupid but that's how I am about such things.

And I hope I never value money over a relationship. It will be nice to repay the personal loans and pay extra to those kind folks as a "thank you." I will feel good about it as it nice to be able to stand on your own two feet. I do have some pride.:P

I wish I could look forward to things without fearing something is going to change and it won't happen. If the money comes in time, Kay wanted to go to California for a few days (attend an event out there and see some sights) and then on to DisneyWorld in Florida. Sounds good but I am afraid to look forward to it. I'm afraid to look forward to my own birthday now. It seems the rug is pulled out from under me when I least expect it.

I am praying that I can once again look forward and feel secure about day to day things.

The Sun Backs Off

2008-05-29T13:05:00.002-04:00

No sooner had the skies opened for me, luck seemingly changed, it was all snatched from me under weird, inexplicable circumstances. After bleating complaint to a friend of mine she said "Time for grad school?"

For a while I felt as if it was time for the gas pipe. There were a few days I was listless beyond listless trying to shift through my sudden gain and sudden loss. I wound up losing two jobs in three weeks. That is a record for me.

Ho hum.

Here Comes the Sun . .

2008-05-02T14:15:00.003-04:00

Ever so slowly . . . I am woefully behind in responding to personal email. My sleep schedule went out of whack this week totally due to my excitement over happy prospects. I'm an optimist. It's easy to be cynical. I'm in a total bind now as the prospects dangle in the horizon so I feel like the character from Dr. Doolittle Push Me Pull You. All of this was happily compounded by the arrival of my new cell phone. Yeppers. I am so excited. My Verizon contract was up but the offerings were not to my liking. Too damn expensive. The "free" phones were awful.

A little online comparison shopping yielded something much better. I signed up with AT&T and got myself a lovely Blackberry Curve (red) for FREE. FREE! For the past two evenings I've been playing nonstop with my new toy. I've long admired the icons the iPhones have and found someone who replicated the icons for download onto Blackerry phones. And that's what I did. This phone was an amazing deal. I still can't believe it was free with the two year plan. A PDA and phone all in one.

Tech toys brings the sun out.:) It's the simple pleasures that can keep you sane.

The Tide is Turning

2008-04-28T23:06:00.002-04:00

Dare I say it but things are starting to look up.

I approach the future with cautious optimism. The extremely difficult times of the past few years caused the worst personal humiliation I have ever experienced in my life. In such tight spots you find out who your friends are. During the past six months, I have had people I wasn't that close to offer immense support and assistance and I have experienced a few cases where the last hope, last resort decided they were done with helping you. The reason they are done is they imagine my life and ever changing circumstances was something I had some control over, as if there really has been a silver lining and I can make gold out of mud. Yes, that is a fantastic concept to have given all that I have related here and privately through the past few years.

Sometimes the help and withholding it is about power. I have had three instances now where that seems to be the case. The inexplicable expectations expressed to me as if nothing I have shared over the past few years was really true.

And then there are those friends you talk to and they turn it into a pissing contest as to who has it the worst.

If I am indeed moving towards a better situation, I am taking along the knowledge that I will never feel the same way about some folks and some folks I will work to develop the budding friendship.

I am there for people I care about. I have stupidly used money I didn't have to be with them during tough times because to me, that is what a friend does. But the feeling is not returned. I do not do things to be constantly thanked. It's not something owed back to me. But it is difficult to understand coldness where you expected comfort.

If nothing else, it's made me strong but there has been a negative impact on me that I cannot shake.

Today I started what is expected to be a long term position with the possibility of being hired. It is a job I know I will love. I am also being considered for another position at an agency where I will also love to work.

Things are looking up but some terrible things have been learned in the process.

Ho hum

2008-04-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

Now entering the third month without a job. No fun.

Edward G. Robinson and The Ten Commandants

2008-03-22T23:28:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite rituals during the Easter weekend is to watch Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandants. I usually find Charlton Heston annoying in anything else outside of this film. The reason I ever wanted to see this film in the first place is because of Edward G. Robinson. When I was a teenager, I became a big fan of this actor and when going to see Soylent Green in the 1970s, of course I didn't know then it would be Robinson's last film (also starring Heston).

Back in the 1950s during the infamous McCarthy witch hunt for communists, Robinson's liberal sympathies were labeled "too leftist" for the mainstream and he soon found himself not able to get work in Hollywood.

But ol' Cecil wasn't one to be intimidated by anybody or told how to run his business. He called Robinson one day and offered him the role of Dathan. Dathan was a good role and a visible one. Originally a convert he soon became a nudge to the leader Moses, quickly put in his place once Moses part the Red Sea. Quite a trick. DeMille made a version of The Ten Commandants during the silent film days and is the only person to have parted the Red Sea twice. Try topping that.

Eddie Robinson's Dathan put the industry on notice that he was back and he was staying.

The Un-Couple

2008-03-11T17:54:00.002-04:00

An old friend of mine called me about two weeks ago and we yakked for about an hour. We started talking about old flames and I told my friend that I had come to believe that which Katharine Hepburn believed - two people in love need to live in separate abodes. The place can be near each other but the times I have been in love, I felt I still needed to live separately from my boyfriend.

"But you do live with someone," my friend countered. "You've shared an apartment for ages!"

Living with a lover and living with a best friend are two different things. There is also the fact that many friends don't necessarily feel they could actually live with each other in an apartment or house. We don't have the potentially explosive conversations lovers have such as -

"Please come with me to my reunion/event"

"We haven't had sex in months . . ."

"Why do we always have to go to your mother-in-law's house for the holiday?"

Okay, just some lame examples but you get the idea. When you are sexually involved with someone, when you are part of a couple, there are expectations from both sides (and society has certain expectations as well) and emotions tend to run hot.

The only possibly similar conversation I ever have with Kay (who feels the same way I do about living with a man) is "Do you want to go out and do something?" One or the other may be momentarily disappointed if the suggestion is declined but it's nothing compared to what happens when lovers respond they don't want to do something with the other.

Life for me is far less complicated. And I prefer it that way.

What is the criteria for being "settled down?"

2008-02-29T13:02:00.003-05:00

2008 will see several milestone birthdays for several of my friends, including myself (50).

It is common for those approaching the milestone birthdays to evaluate their present life and where they are and, worse, where they think they should be at this stage in their life. The frequent keyword found in these self-evaluations is "settled." This can mean either settled down in a certain job, domestic situation (usually married with children), or reaping the rewards spent working in a wonderful job for a couple of decades.

My own life experience has taught me is that nothing is ever settled in life. Nothing. In my mind, that's a good thing. I don't confuse being settled with being organized or entrenched safely someplace. I don't ever want to be complacent in life; I want to be happy and satisfied for most of the time, but I want to have an eye out for how to make things better in anything that I am doing. That's done not out of the need for perfection but rather out of knowing there is joy to be found in the process itself of making adjustments, improvements or even moving on when something is not working.

All this begs a big question: who decides the criteria of where we should be at a certain age? And why is there a criteria at all? Every one of us are different people who live in a variety of circumstances, and the variables make it unlikely that can achieve everything on some mystical timetable. When we think on the milestone birthdays, how many of us say "Oh wow, I've really accomplished way too much before this birthday!" or "Things are so perfect right now, maybe I should hold back pushing for anything new or exciting."

Those conversations with yourself do not happen. The conversation that actually does take place is one with the inner demon is regarding a measuring stick of expectations usually dictated by other people in our societal make-up.

The issue regarding being or becoming a parent is definitely an age-related question. If you are a man, thereotically you are able to father a child into your sixties and seventies if you wanted; for women there are biological limitations in bearing her own child.

But back to what is the criteria for being "settled" in life.

I have been in pretty much the same domestic situation since 1990. I have shared an apartment or townhouse with the same friend for 16 years. That arrangement could change at any time. Both of us believe that romantic relationships do better if the couple live in separate places but the time could come where one or the other needs to move closer to a boyfriend.

I plan on going back to school and getting an MFA in Creative Writing. My friend, Kay, is changing her job situation entirely and she is in her mid-50s.

The viewpoint about who does what at what age has changed over the decades. I was watching one of my favorite shows Judge Judy who rendered an option during a case of who was the owner of a Playstation 3. The female Plaintiff said she bought it for herself, and Judy spat out "Nonsense! 45 year old women don't sit around and play video games!"

That's bullshit. I love videogames and have been playing them for about four years now and I'm not talking about the Super Mario series! The neighborhood I moved from last year had kids who played a pick-game of soccer in the field and many times I joined in. I held my own. And now as I near 50, I found a way to use my skills at camping, hiking and on the water: I am volunteering for the Delmarva Search and Rescue team.

When I hit 40, I quickly realized how much easier many things in life really are. I have had friends say their lives improved after 40. Many more friends changed jobs, changed their domestic situation and continued to move forward in life. No one was "settled."

Dirt settles. People don't.

A great link

2008-01-23T12:08:00.000-05:00

http://devilwearsbrooksbrothers.wordpress.com/2008/01/18/elevator-etiquette/

The above link is to a blog that recorded one of the funniest entries I've read in a very long time.

nancy

Starstruck or Not Starstruck?

2008-01-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

When I mention to anyone that I am in the entertainment business (part-time these days but still in there pitching) the first question is usually about the people I meet. Well, the famous people I meet. If I seem nonplussed about some of the names I offer, I will get a second question such as "How can you be blah about a glamorous profession?"

First, the entertainment business is more about making a buck and putting on a show or at least breaking even in the process so you don't have a big success but have to eat cheese and peanut butter crackers from the vending machine. It's not a profession unto itself. But most people pitching away in the business will have conversations much like this one:

A: "Yeah, they did a nice workshop of my play and invited a lot of industry people to see it."
B: "Any feedback on that?"
A: "Not yet - too early, I think, but Elizabeth Taylor was there too which surprised me.
B: "Oh, that's cool. (sometimes you only make a mental note of that and merely move on in the conversation) I didn't know she was into supporting new plays"
A: "I thought I heard she was friends with the guy who is the Managing Director of the theater."
B: "Okay. Potential backer anyway, right?
A: "You just never know."

The playwright in this made-up scene could be someone who teaches English or drama during the day at a school but has connections in the theater and works on many projects, meeting new people all the time. Most of the people who make up the industry as a whole are people you will never hear of but they are people without whom the industry can function. Some are famous as performers, directors, business people and managers. Most are not. The "most are nots" can have as much money as those who are famous and do big projects and be famous within the industry.

If you move in these circles for awhile, where the really famous and unknowns interact on a daily basis you become drawn more into what projects are out there you can get into or what can you pitch and to whom.

I'll draw even a finer line: what you pitch may not be much of a commercial project either but someone - famous or not - may want to do it. I cannot even begin to count how many workshop productions I saw at the Ensemble Studio Theater and other off and off-Broadway theaters in New York working with new scripts, working out the kinks, getting audience feedback and there were well-known and unknown actors working on the material. You won't find this happening just in New York - it happens all over the country especially in big cities such as Los Angeles, Chicago and Philadelphia where there is TV and film production work and a lot of theaters.

Before anyone ever sees working in show biz as glamorous, I would advise that person to work as part of a production crew on an all-day shoot of the most famous TV show around. Believe me, after a few hours you will be mentally exhausted and your feet will hurt. That's just fine for those who really love the work; if you are looking for glamour and a chance to interact with big, big stars, you need to look elsewhere. Even when I have been an extra or under-5 on a big TV show or doing a play in New York and big names were in the cast, I had no opportunity to say anything than my lines or do whatever it was the director wanted me to do. I think the longest time I had speaking to another actor on a set was on an episode of "Law and Order." Roscoe Browne was a guest star on this particular episode. I was in a lot of scenes, muted, but visible. I was getting really bored with all the time it took to set up the lights and a shot, then take all that down and set up the next shot. I asked Mr. Browne who was standing next to me, "Is it always this boring between shots? It seems to take forever. I've not been on that many TV shows but this is really getting tedious. Is it always like that?"

He turned to me and nodded. "Yes. Some don't mind it, some don't like it at all."

I mentally checked myself into the "don't like it at all" category. I then understand why many actors friends I had avoided TV and film as much as they could and stuck to the theater. When they needed an infusion of cash or steady, well paying work, they went to TV and film. It wasn't by choice but by necessity.

The things I learned during my time in New York about the business. But I do love the business; I love the pitching and the experimentation. Whether or not the Elizabeth Taylors of the world are involved with that end of it doesn't matter at all to me.

The Consequences of Outsourcing

2008-01-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

I was depressed last night so I called LifeLine. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

Working through Pain

2008-01-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

I want to refer my readers to my friend Will's blog. Will's mother died shortly after Christmas. She had been ill for many years but her passing away at that particular time was somewhat of a surprise. Will travelled from New York to Florida to be with his family during the funeral and handling family business which included his newly widowed father. Will's blog entries following his mother's passing are both humorous and moving. I laughed and cried simultaneously.

Will is a gifted writer and I think you will find his recent blog entries quite touching and amusing too.

Will's Blog

Let's Hear It For Male Enchancement

2008-01-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

But say the latter two words with half a whisper and a wink of an eye.

These commercials promoting pills for "male enchancement" even features a supposed doctor who refers to the male penis as "that certain part of a man's body."

Huh?

Commercials can talk about diarrhea, show bears wiping themselves and dancing mucus but for reason cannot say the word penis.

Penis. PENIS!!!

What is the dig deal? The commercials aren't about penis competitions; they are offering what amounts to a sexual toy - making the penis bigger for great sexual enjoyment or to help get or sustain an erection.

Why can't we act like the adults we supposedly are and just say words like penis or erection in a commercial?

One of the great things HBO has ever done (other than produce The Sopranos) is creating television programs featuring couples learning to overcome sexual problems or sexual dullness; these programs feature an instructor who teaches couple or male and females separately, new techniques on how to use sex toys or develop or perfect sexual techniques. These are useful tools especially for those in a committed relationship because having sex with the same person for a long time can stop being interesting. Who doesn't want to learn new ways to please a sexual partner and enhance your own enjoyment?

And that's where we are: still leaving the basic tools of sex and basic human functions in the dark, a rose by any other name.

I don't get it.

Heading to South Beach

2008-01-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

Last fall I started evaluating my physical being inside and out. The melanoma scare was enough for me to start looking towards making changes in the way I live. I will never forget out tired I felt all the time during treatments; not having any energy is not something I was familiar with. My lifelong quandry was having too much energy and not knowing how to harness it.

During this self-inspection one thing was obvious: my diet sucks. Now, I know that going on a diet is pointless as you don't learn or re-learn how to eat properly. Counting calories isn't the way to go either because you can consume less calories but not get enough nutrition. There are many overweight and undernourished people.

There was one recurring thing I was hearing from friends throughout the year when I asked them about their own diet: The South Beach Diet.

"Diets do not work!" I insisted. "I need to teach myself how to eat properly. I know having too much fatty stuff all the time is bad . . ."

"That's it in a nutshell," one friend responded. "The South Beach Diet is about knowing how to eat. You aren't deprived. It's a lifelong commitment - your regular diet." My friend expounded on other features of the diet and then said to me, "Nancy, I think you would like it. It has plenty of variety. The first two weeks are slightly difficult because of the sudden changes but after you get through that, foods you are used to are slowly added back in. There are three phases. Get the paperback and check it out."

Yesterday afternoon that's exactly what I did. And my friend was right - the first two weeks you do away with pasta, bread, baked goods, all booze, and candy. After three days the cravings for such things start to disappear. You eat regular food, regular portions of the food but the menu is somewhat restricted. But, again, that's just for the first two weeks. All that denied to you before is slowly added back but you learn how to make better choices. For instance, you buy wheat pasta. You buy unprocessed flour rather than white flour. You have baked goods once in a while and not every morning for breakfast. The same for beer. I love sampling new beers. I did not know until I was reading this book written by the doctor who came up with the South Beach diet that beer has a high glycemic count than candy. Pizza, by and large, is good for you but what gets you is the crust. The crust is the big nutritional downfall. Order thin crust instead. However, you can occasionally order the deep dish if you really like that better. Occasionally. That's the operative word.

I skimmed through the paperback last night and told Kay about it. She's game to work with it too. Phase 2 of the plan is continued until you reach your goal weight. Phase 3 is the life-time maintenance. You can always go back to Phase 1 if for any reason you start to slip more than you like back into eating poorly.

There are even prepared foods in the store freezers for South Beach diet participants.

Being ignorant of certain foods and their nutritional value or detriment is what sandbags most folks. This book is quite fascinating and after I finish the food (and beer) I have in the fridge, we are going to start this new eating plan and see where it takes us.

Clobbered!

2007-12-31T09:39:00.000-05:00

I caught a head cold and the manifestations emerged cruelly on Saturday morning. I wound up sleeping quite a bit over the weekend, eating chicken noodle soup, and the result is this morning I think I have it licked. I clobbered the head cold before it could take hold!

I feel quite triumphant.

Sad Day

2007-12-29T18:03:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about my friend Will a lot today. His mother died Friday night in Florida from where he just returned spending the holidays there. Mrs. McKinley was quite a lady. She ran a small sewing business from her home. Many times I was at Will's house and had conversations with her about her craft and live in general. I could see how her personality impacted on Will.

I think most of us dread the day a parent dies. You know it will happen but nothing prepares you for the emotional seismic shift that occurs. You learn to go on, of course, but you are forever changed by the experience.

Rest in peace, Mrs. McKinley. I'm sure you've already set up business in the hereafter.

Read Will's lovely tribute to his mother. Mommy and Me

Starry Starry Nights

2007-12-28T09:33:00.000-05:00

I've had a series of epiphanies the past few weeks, all pointing to something very positive.

Frequent readers of this blog know that I've spent the past twenty-five years primarily on developing new works, working on productions created by other people and doing quite a bit of ghostwriting. What got me the positions initially was the work I did produce in the early and mid-1980s for various publications and organizations in the Philadelphia tri-state area. By the age of twenty-five I was a veteran of the classroom, teaching students old enough to be my parents in some cases.

I still enjoy assisting other writers when asked to review their work but my driving ambition and focus now is on my work. My life in my thirties and forties was so consumed with doing that little reflecting was done and even less integrating my experiences and feelings in a way that I could write about them. If someone asks me why I was not producing my own work during that time of my life, the answer is that I wasn't ready. Besides, what difference does it make when you produce your work? You do it when you are ready, when you have something to say.

A few months ago, my chief enemy was my highly fertile brain which was spewing out ideas and concepts faster than I could keep up with them. I consulted a few people specializing in ADHD organizational tools especially for creative people and came up with strategies to capture the thoughts and ideas as they came to me and do so in such a way that when coming back to it later, I would remember the idea from the inside out. For the first time in a very long time, I am organizing my life around writing and creativity. I decided to not teach evenings again until the fall. I will work on my craft and continue to enjoy my day work in intellectual property. When I come home from this job, I am ready to write. The work keeps my mind active and creative as I need to think outside the box a great deal.

I hope the new year will be a turn for the better. Since 2001 things have not been very good in Kerseyville.

A Very Merry Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T03:27:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite actors is Alastair Sim, whom I first discovered through the many viewings of the 1951 classic "A Christmas Carol." I watch this movie several times every year around Christmas in glorious black and white. I can almost recite the dialogue along with the actors. I do not only because it irritates anyone watching the film with me.

Watching this film every Christmas has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember.

I am always reminded of the valuable lesson that people can change no matter what age they are no matter what their circumstances. Of course the change will be more gradual than the transformation of Scrooge overnight, but it can happen. When I think of the season and reason for it, I am reminded of the daily attempts for redemption and salvation in the small ways that make up the essence of our lives. It is the constant battle to save ourselves from ourselves.

It is that particular dynamic that draws me to the creepier elements of the cinema. My other holiday favorite is relatively new; Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas takes us on another type of discovery tour from the perspective of a creature totally unfamiliar with Christmas. This creature of the dark is fascinated by the light he encounters when doing his research on the holiday. What is it? What does it mean? How can it change any creature?

Ah, yet more profound things to ruminate on!

Another case in point re Christmas

2007-12-21T11:00:00.001-05:00

There are Christians who decry the supposed removal of Christ out of the word "Christmas." Mr. Martin, in his article below, claims there is a backlash against Christianity in the name of political correctness. Yes, political correctness can go to extremes, but remember political correctness is about public behavior. It is not intended to address how you behave with your family, friends or what church you attend.

For too many years, Christianity was rammed down the throats of people who did not call themselves "Christians." What's happening now is an attempt at public equality. It won't work of course but the effort is being made.

There is absolutely nothing to stop me or you from wishing anyone a Merry Christmas or sending a Christmas card with the nativity scene. There is nothing to stop us from attending a Christmas party or a prayer service focusing on the birth of Jesus or listening to a retelling of the Christmas story. I used to be the one who got to read the Christmas story in my church for a good many years. I loved doing it. You can put a nativity scene on your lawn if you want.

I have said to business colleagues at various times they are not to bother me about anything on Good Friday, Easter, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Those are important religious holidays for me. I spend those days with family, in church and even in meditative prayer. That's my faith.

Where Mr. Martin and others get lost is their insistence that by the lack of overt public displays of the religious nature of Christmas somehow the message Jesus brought is diluted or kicked aside. Public displays are just that - displays. They don't tell us anything about the holiday. There is no meaning inherent in the displays or banners saying MERRY CHRISTMAS or the slogan "Jesus is the reason for the season."

But Jesus did not practice hocus pocus on people to make them come to hear his sermons. He did not cast spells or organize groups of people to overthrow the government that opposed them. We, as Christians, are the living public examples. We take the place of public nativity scenes.

If you want Jesus to be known and his teachings evident, walk the walk and talk the talk. That is the only appropriate public display. How you conduct yourself with fellow human beings is what makes you a Christian, not how pretty the nativity scene you designed is in your yard or at your Church.

Christianity can't ever take a backseat to anything as long as its believers carry the spirit of the message.

from CNN

Watch Roland S. Martin on a special edition of "Sound Off" on CNN.com Live at 11:10 a.m. ET Friday.

Roland S. Martin says we should continue to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.

(CNN) -- This whole push to remove Christ from the Christmas season has gotten so ridiculous that it's pathetic.
Because of all the politically correct idiots, we are being encouraged to stop saying "Merry Christmas" for the more palatable "Happy Holidays." What the heck are "Seasons Greetings"? Can someone tell me what season we are greeting folks about? A Christmas tree? Oh, no! It's now a holiday tree. Any Christmas song that even remotely mentions Christ or has a religious undertone is being axed for being overtly religious. And I'm sorry, forget X-M-A-S. Malcolm X? Yes. X replacing Christ? No.
Don't get me wrong; I'm very respectful of other religions. I don't want anyone to be afraid of discussing the Jewish faith when we address Hanukkah. And we shouldn't dismiss Muslims when the annual pilgrimage to Mecca is held during December. In fact, Americans are so ignorant of other faiths that we can all learn from one another.
But this seeming backlash against Christianity is bordering on the absurd, and we should continue to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.
What Would Jesus Really Do?
Roland Martin asks: What would Jesus really do in this political environment? Friday and Monday, 8 p.m. ET
see full schedule »
I know that may sound strident, but it's true. We spend an inordinate amount of time focused on shopping and buying gifts, but really, what does any of this have to do with the birth of Jesus? We have families all over the nation killing themselves to buy a tree they can't afford, running up their credit to buy toys and other gifts, all in an effort to make someone else happy.
What if families decided to forgo gifts, and instead, used their shopping days giving back to those in need? What if more of us went into our closets, grabbed old toys and clothes, repackaged them, and provided them as gifts to those without? Instead of gorging on food, what if we used some of the dough to feed those who are in need? What if we blew off those gift cards to electronic retailers and signed up with Networkforgood.org, and gave someone a gift card to their favorite charity?
Sure, I know I sound like a reincarnation of a flower child, but really, do we have to be so crass during the Christmas season?
Don't Miss
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Martin: Black men must reclaim children
Martin: Colleges block black coaches
Martin: A few states shouldn't decide presidency
Its time that we return to traditional values, and end this ridiculous charade. It's important that we take a fuller account of WHY we celebrate Christmas, as opposed to falling for the barrage of ads that tell us what is most important.
Parents, don't be so consumed with the notion that your children will have a terrible Christmas because the tree isn't overflowing with gifts. The true love that you show them is more important than anything else.
America might be the king of capitalism, but secularism must never become so prevalent that our religious traditions are discarded.
Roland S. Martin is a nationally award-winning journalist and CNN contributor. Martin is studying to receive his master's degree in Christian communications at Louisiana Baptist University, and he is the author of "Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith." You can read more of his columns at www.rolandsmartin.com.

How do I describe my friend Janet?

2007-12-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

Hmm. Words fail me here. She is known far and wide as Janet the Wicked. She is a New Englander and they favor that word "wicked" in those parts. Janet was asked today what did the Three Wise Men bring when they came to see Jesus. She said "donuts."

She was wrong, of course. It was chicken wings.

I do think pictures speak louder than words.

Here is a photo of Janet that sums her personality up quite well, I think.

Being Christian in a Secular Society

2007-12-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

This is what I am and I have no problem with it.

I have a big problem with those Christians who insist that everyone else believe as we do (and even that can vary greatly) and that our government and country should follow suit. It's too easy to attack that argument on the basis of the requirement of church and state separation. I attack that argument using the very cornerstones upon which the faith is constructed: the life of Jesus.

It's become a bit of a cultural joke to say "What would Jesus do?" and whether or not you consider yourself a Christian, the view of Jesus is something that can be admired by everyone who belief in love, peace, etc. etc. The key problem with the Christian right wingers is that they have memorized scripture but have forsaken the essence, the spirit of Jesus in the process. They speak of shunning groups of people for supposedly amoral behavior. A key example of this is the attitude towards gays.

This attitude is gleaned from the Old Testament in a pick and choose style. Surrounding the text that condemns homosexuality are other sins such as eating shellfish. If you haven't ever read the Open Letter to Dr. Laura you simply must do so now. http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

This particular issue sticks in my craw not because I have many gay friends but I would rather leave my children and even my welfare in their hands before I would give that kind of control to someone like Dr. Laura. Live and let live. As long as we are free to live as we choose and be willing to compromise on public issues recognizing our many differing beliefs, the secular society does more to promote the fundamentals of the Christian faith than what might be readily apparent. Jesus did not go around damning people or avoiding those whom others thought were dirty, immoral and otherwise blights on society. He walked with them. He listened to them. He broke bread with them. He didn't care what other people thought about this behavior.

Jesus taught by example. This is a key point that many so-called Christians seem to miss.

Example, not force, not legislation. You can't legislate morality. You can only legislate what will best provide freedom of expression for all. For this we all must be willing to compromise how we conduct ourselves and express personal beliefs in public for everyone is entitled to what h/s believes. This includes those who are not Christian. They have the right to not be Christian just as people have the right to not believe in divine beings at all.

People come willingly to Christianity, they come with a spiritual hunger. Christians do their best marketing by serving as examples as to what a Christian is. If left in the hands of most right wing groups, you can come away with the impression that Christianity is a political force to reckon with; for this reason many believers leave organized religion altogether. It's important to recognize that organized religion is completely capable of misrepresenting the key principles of the Christian faith. It's often been misrepresented.

A secular society doesn't diminish Christianity. It doesn't weaken it. In my opinion, nothing can weaken it which is why I don't feel threatened when we have to realize our religious celebrations are private matters. They do not belong in the public areana. In fact, there is no reason for them to be there. Do we want to show people we are Christians? You can do that each and every single day at your workplace, your school, your home . . . anytime you are up and moving. Likewise, you can pray with your family any time you choose to arrange that.

I laugh at the contention that the public school system is shot to hell because prayer was taken out of the schools. What bullshit. The public school system fails on many levels, and a key reason is the lack of parental involvement with the child. We lead such busy lives somehow we think rearing a human being or two will magically just fit in fine with a hectic lifestyle. It doesn't and our society continues to pay for this stupid thinking.

While there was prayer in school, our society espoused the belief that black people are inferior beings and treated them as such; bigotry was alive and well and, this is the important part, not questioned. Obviously having prayer in school did jack shit to open the minds and hearts of those wanting the prayer in school and those saying the prayer in schools.

Say them at home with your family. We have to believe that God's hearing is pretty good and he can hear you talking from almost anywhere.

A secular society continues to challenge us to find more effective ways to share our faith and to do so in more meaningful ways. If you go out of your way to help a stranger and the stranger asks why you have done all this, explain you are a Christian and that's what Christians do. (actually, non-Christians do too but you get the idea here) They shouldn't thank you, thank Jesus. That's how you get the message out there. The person then can take you up on the suggestion or leave it.

Take it or leave it. The freedom to present and the freedom to ignore. That's what I like about a secular society. My faith isn't so weak that I fear the diminishing of it by acknowledging other beliefs and their right to be considered equally.

To make shopping for me easier . .

2007-12-07T17:28:00.001-05:00

I have posted the Amazon button that will take you to my 9 page wish list. Some expensive stuff, some not. But as you love me I know you will do the very best that you can!

First Blast of Winter

2007-12-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

Weather where I live is notoriously hard to predict because of our being surrounded by water. The weather can radically differ just within ten miles. This time the prediction was on target. We were projected to get 3 to 4 inches of snow and we received 3.7 where I live. It was beautiful. Last night, I made the difficult decision of using the last of my preciously purchased birch wood in the fireplace. The smell was luscious as was gazing out the living room patio window at the falling snow.

This morning was not as fun. It took us almost an hour to get the car to the point where we could drive it.

The doors were frozen.

I had various ways and means to defrost said doors but it took time. Once I got one door open I was able to turn the car on and allow its defrosting mechanism to do the rest of the work warming up the car and defrosting the windows. I knew it was likely to be icy this morning so last night I raised the windshield wipers to prevent them from sticking to the windshield.

In spite of the headaches wintery blasts can cause, I do enjoy winter. The fact that the furnace in the townhouse is in need of repair is another issue altogether!

The Day Tut Was Shot

2007-12-06T00:11:00.000-05:00

Overheard at the King Tut exhibit at Philadelphia's Franklin Institute as I was exiting the main exhibit and coming into an area where the late King's skeletal xrays were imaged on a huge screen. Looking at the hole in Tut's skull, one of the two men standing in front me declared "It's obvious he was shot. Look at that hole in his skull. What's all the mystery?"

I laughed until I cried. I thought about editing together a book culling all the common misperceptions people have about history such as these people thinking firearms were around in Tut's time.

Things are not what they seem.

You might recall a few months ago I wrote about having an interview at a high school for the arts and not getting it, primarily because I lacked the technical theatre teaching experience. I have since worked to rectify that. I thought I was being shut out of the place I was meant to teach, a place where I could share twenty five years of my life in the arts specifically acting and playwrighting.

Today in the newspaper was an article about one of the drama teachers I worked with during a summer drama camp at this school had been fired supposedly for not accomplishing certain things. Now I read the complaint filed in the court and comments of students and parents of this high school for the arts that the conditions at the school are not very good or safe. Mold exists in public areas, water drips on electrical equipment, the rigging in the theater and the catwalk is unsafe. One of the main rooms for rehearsals is freezing in the winter and hot in the summer. According to court papers, complaints have been made to the school district and nothing was ever done.

Did I escape a situation that was fraught with problems that would only distract me from the achievement I would think I had made getting this job? If all this were true, I would make plenty of noise about the unsafe and uncomfortable conditions to be repaired. There is a chance that making noise is how this drama teacher really got fired in the first place.

I'm already juggling two main writing projects. Maybe this is the route I am meant to take right now.

Oh oh

2007-11-26T12:49:00.003-05:00

There's a lot of fog today . . . or is that mist?

THE MIST!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

Stephen King's THE MIST

2007-11-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

Regular readers of my blog know of my love for supernatural/horror movies. Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff reign supreme from the time I was six to this day.

And for a few years now, Stephen King is among those I revere for talent and tenacity. As King gets older (and faces daunting odds regarding his deteriorating eyesight and recovery from a car accident that nearly killed him) he only gets better. "The Mist" is one of the best movies I've ever seen. The writing and directing is flawless. This novella of King's was in good hands.
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Nightline/popup?id=3875931

I don't want to talk too much about the movie because to do so would reveal too much. When the film started, I recognized it as King's salute to the creature features of the 1950s and early 1960s along with a nod to the kind of unseen terror "The Fog" had given audiences years ago. So I thought I knew how the film would end but as long as old material was given some new life, I would go along for the ride.

I was wrong. King breathes bold life into this story bringing theological and philosophical elements into the mix that throws the audience off enough that the ending comes as a big surprise. I was not prepared for it at all.

I can get very restless at a movie, even a good one but "The Mist" held my attention for two solid hours. The special effects were great but did not overwhelm the story. There was quite a story a tell too.

By all means go see this flick on the big screen before you add it to your DVD collection. It's a great ride.

Golden Days and Nights

2007-11-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Next to the Spring, Fall is my favorite season.

Here on the mid-Atlantic coast, the early days of Fall seemed to be lousy as the trees didn't have the usual color changes. I drove up to Canada in October for a meeting at Frid's house and enjoyed the upstate New York foilage, believing that was all of the visual Fall joy I would see.

Not so!

In our area, the trees have not only turned into glorious colors late in the season, the leaves are still on the trees! It's been quite glorious. While running errands over the weekend I was able to enjoy the foilage colors just on local streets, never mind driving down Route 40 or Route 13 and looking at the clumps of trees on the either side of the road.

My favorite scent in the Fall is the smell of burning wood in fireplaces. I had lovely fires in my wood burning fireplace all week and this weekend was no exception. I sat and worked on business and writing while seated near the fireplace enjoying the warmth and subtle smells.

I'm gearing up for the next few months which are full of projects to be completed and others reviewed with others and then completed, not to mention getting the house in shape for the holidays and taking on more and more responsibility at the law firm job. It appears I will get the full-time status between now and the new year.

I still am thinking about starting up my own acting an playwrighting "school" in the evenings. I have to do some more thinking on that.

Painful Dialogue

2007-11-15T10:46:00.000-05:00

For the past thirty years I have taught writing in many forms, sometimes only basic composition skills.

I've seen how mangled the language can be in the hands of the ignorant and inexperienced. I feel good coming to their rescue and showing them the path to literary enlightenment and shaking off the shackles of inept communication chains.

But there is a dialogue trend in movies and television that greatly upsets me. When I hear it, I feel my stomach churn and my brain moving inside my skull in a frenzy shouting "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

I know you've heard the painful dialogue too. Here it is:

"You don't get it, do you?"

And lines that end with "okay?" "I'm trying to figure it out, okay?" "I didn't see her coming, okay?"

I first became aware of this alarming trend while watching low budget horror movies. Whenever I moved to major motion picture or prime-time TV fare, I started hearing the painful dialogue again.

So why painful? It's an opportunity missed to put more texture in a scene, to engage the characters in the scene in dialogue that defines them for us. Instead of saying "You don't get it, do you?" the character speaking could further explain the situation or find fault with the other character; either choice raises the stakes in a scene and engages the characters. "You don't get it, do you?" tells us nothing of value.

The statements that constantly end with "okay?" as if asking permission to be however the character is at that moment or in explainment himself/herself likewise is an opportunity lost for the character to tell us why he or she did something and how he or she feels now about it. It can express fear or loss of hope - so many possibilities to put in the place of "okay?" in a character's dialogue.

If you see a movie or TV show with either of these painful lines, pray for the writer and the character. It could have been so much better with at least one more rewrite.

Simplify and thus multiply!

2007-11-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm working through a short biography of Ben Franklin and not for the love of American history either. At least that is not the purpose for this read. Franklin founded and created umpteen different entities during his life (I don't mean just illegit children) and his ability for high productivity was the result of organizing his daily life in such a way he spent time on several different projects. The Franklin method of organization is nothing more than having a Day Runner, blocking in time to do what you need to get done and then sticking with it. The "sticking with it" is the critical component that gets dropped, of course.

Creatively, I've never felt so good about the various projects I am working on. A delightful result of getting Jonathan (Frid) to let one of his reader's theater performances be put on DVD is that he wants to do more only, this time, fresh readings. I didn't expect that outcome. He needs to work on his voice since it has been out of shape for a good many years. That will come with the daily diligent rehearsals Jonathan will do in preparation for the reading.

In addition to this, I have in the works proposals for several new CD titles representing the audio of Jonathan's reader's theater. I will be editing together the material for the proposed CDs and having Jonathan approve it or make other suggestions, or even do a new reading. So much to do. Fortunately, I have learned how to make the 40 minute SEPTA train commute to and from work beneficial. I have put together all the ideas for the pieces to use, the pieces to ask Jonathan to consider recording and the artwork to ask my favorite artist, Sherlock, to do. She designed the cover for the first DVD which was released in August. The sale of this DVD has been better than I expected. However, I do have to warn people that this DVD was taken from a video shot in 1992 and also on a video camera left unmanned; the recording was only for Jonathan's purpose so he could watch himself afterwards and make any "directing" notes for himself. Visually, it's not art.

About every six weeks we (meaning the team behind these DVD/CD projects) get together at Jonathan's place for a day or weekend long meeting. The last meeting took place in October and the leaves were a brilliant color. The photo you see up top was taken in JF's yard under his prized tree.

From left to right: Bobbi, Mark (webmaster), me, JF, and Athur (not Arthur).

The Burning Brain

2007-11-13T10:37:00.000-05:00

I subscribe to a few magazines geared towards writers, one of them being Writer's Digest. The recent issue was quite valuable to me for it addressed a problem I've had ever since I started writing as a wee thing: too many ideas at once.

Many writers would not see having too many ideas at once being a significant problem.

It is.

Too many ideas burning the brain for crafting and expulsion is as bad as having writer's block. You become paralyzed because you do not know which direction to move into next or you spend a lot of time trying to make sense of all the ideas, many of them vastly different from each other, and see how it all fits together.

It doesn't all fit together, that't the first lesson. It doesn't all have to fit together to be useful. I have experimented with various software packages geared towards writers in order to find a way to capture the quicksilver thoughts that inconveniently come to me when I am working on something else. I keep several writing projects open at a time as I work better this way and, oddly enough, get more done.

Last night I experimented a bit with two software packages - one called "Writer Blocks" and the other an index card system designed for the computer. The Writer Blocks assists with keeping consistency in a story and a working outline. The index card software can be used to type ideas as they come to you and be placed with the material the idea belongs with. I find the act of putting an idea in a certain place helps get it out of my head for the moment without fear of using it and without it interferring with what I am doing at tha time. So far, this combined system seems to be working quite well. I had great fun with it last night. I even backed up the system to ensure that nothing gets lost in a computer crash.

I am working on the third draft of a novel a literary agent is waiting to read. she's been waiting for about five years but she is still willing to ready what I write.

I am working on what's called a chapbook of poems entitled Breaking Bones, Mending Souls which is autobiographical. This project has been the most challenging and enjoyable.

I started a series of short stories based on real life accounts of ghostly doings. This has been a ton of fun.

Finally, a screenplay I am working on with Kay about the Jersey Devil legend. We have a fantasic idea and started fleshing it out. We need to visit the Jersey pinelands again for the sole purpose of soaking up the feel of the place and maybe collecting more stories/accounts about this myth. It's my first collaborative effort since working with Jonathan Frid on developing the narrations for his one-man shows.

It's great to have these ideas and strategies for appropriately dealing with them instead of, as the article in the writer's magazine pointed out, trying to fit every single idea into the current writing project only because it is a good idea you don't want to lose.

Open up the Adoption Records!

2007-11-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

Imagine what it must be like to not know anything about your blood relatives, particularly your parents. Imagine what is must be like to not be related by blood to anyone you know. Not ever.

I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I know some of those children who were given up for adoption learn to adjust to this difference between themselves and most people. Still others are not only haunted by the fact one or both birth parents put them up for adoption, but they have no idea of their family history; no idea of the family medical history. The concept of feeling abandoned is one that has destroyed many lives or at least put a significant wound in an adopted person's psyche. The reasons for being put up for adoption may or may not have been noble, in the best interest of the child, however emotionally, it can leave an open wound that never heals.

This is why I am very excited about the prospect of adoption records finally being made available in more and more states for adopted children to research their blood relatives. To my mind, it is a basic human right for an adopted child to know the identity of his or her birth parents. How can it be otherwise?

The potential negative reprecussions to such access has been minimal in the states that already allow open access to birth records to adoptees. Yes, it does violate the right to privacy that birth mothers expected when they initially gave up their child for adoption but that was not a right that should have ever been exclusively offered. A child should have the right to know who is responsible for bringing him or her into the world under whatever circumstances. If an adoptee can discover the identity of one or both birth parents, the adoptee has the opportunity to make contact. That contact can be rejected, of course. But at least the opportunity exists and maybe, at the very least, the birth parent can provide some important medical history and other information so the adoptee has an understanding of a family background. And don't tell me most people who give up their babies for adoption don't wonder what's become of that child?
According to an article today released by the Associated Press, most birthparents welcome contact by the children they bore. There has not been any overt history of problems created when adoptees try to contact birth parents.

Can you imagine what is like to not know your identity? Where you are from? Your family history? Not have a clue what your birth parents look like?

Please support this proposal in this state.

The Black Sheep of Werewolf-dom

2007-10-19T12:48:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago I rented and watched a new release called "The Black Sleep." This New Zealand-based black comedy was filmed in New Zealand, featuring actors (and sheep) from that country. A black comedy? Absolutely. The sheep ain't black; the reason they are outside of the realm of normal sheep is due to a deliberate genetic mutation by a mad scientist (who else?) which turns them into something akin to a woolly were-sheep.

I kid you not.

Those who get bitten by one of these freaks (which escaped from a lab when no one was looking, of course) will slowly turn into sheep with an attitude. This film is a meld of The Howling and Scary Movie and is fairly careful to not push the humor to where it appears to be forced. Those victims who are not eaten by the manical were-sheep, just bitten, will see a foot turn into a sheep's hoove, wool start to sprout on their body and their hand will turn into a nasty looking hoove. The transformation is not unlike what we saw in An American Werewolf in London but whereas you felt sorry for the unfortunate American in AAW, watching someone transform into a sheep is more amusing. You are not supposed to take it seriously. This spoof works because the writer and director made a decision as to whether or not this is a horror movie or a comedy. It is more of a horror movie because the material is played straight and the humor is reeled in so as to not get in the way of the story.

I don't want to tell you the story. Go out and rent this movie! It's entertaining on all fronts.

Starting in the Middle

2007-10-16T09:26:00.000-04:00

The key technique I employ when writing is to start writing chunks of dialogue as it comes to me. I will be working from a basic plot outline lounging around in my brain and envision scenes between characters in the middle of development. I start stringing the dialog into scenes and putting the scenes into a very basic structure for the work. I go back to what appears to be the beginning and start to flesh out the work from that point.

You may be wondering why the hell I have a photo here of Kurt Cobain, Nirvana's former frontman who took his life in 1994.

Fair question.

You may recall from other postings in this blog that I have a fascination for biographies and autobiographies especially those written by or about creative people. I purchased a copy of Cobain's personal diary, published by his wife Courtney Love, and read it with great interest. I became a fan of Nirvana's when they blasted into fame and fortune. There was something about the lyrics I identified with and Cobain intrigued me. I saw Cobain and his bandmates perform MTV Unplugged in New York (my main employer at the time represented Cobain's management). It was a milestone of sorts for Cobain's band as they were being taken seriously but reaching an audience that really didn't interest them. Most of the people at the MTV event were, including myself, yuppies. That was not the audience this group envisioned appealing to in any meaningful way. Were they being welcomed because they had become famous? Could Cobain sing the phone book and still receive rapturous applause? This they wondered. They were caught in the middle: enjoying attention but under enormous pressure to perform for people they didn't much respect and living a lifestyle that countered their ideals. This added to Cobain's drug addiction and crushing bouts with depression was eventually what drove him to suicide. What he wanted for himself had been taken and he didn't know how to get it back. He didn't know how to cope with it. He didn't even know where to begin reclaiming his freedom from the corporate music world. The middle was a very bad place to be.

If you read Cobain's diary, it illustrates the ordinary difficulties creative people face, including major distractions. Cobain wrote about wanting to avoid getting sucked into watching something on television. That is a problem for me as well. I really love programs such as Forsenic Files, American Justice, Cold Case Files and shows of that variety. I could sit for hours and watch that stuff when I should be writing. I identified with other issues raised in Cobain's diary when I read it several years ago and started to just write when something came to mind - I would literally stop whatever I was doing and write out chunks of dialogue in a notebook. It might only be a few lines of exchange between characters or sketching out a key plot point which would give birth to more ideas for scenes. I just wrote it down. I didn't worry about it making sense when viewed along with already written dialogue I had. I didn't care. I got it down on paper.

This method has led to the gestation of three creative works which I work on each until the well runs dry for the sitting. I am also careful to not even turn on the TV when I need to work. Saying that I will just watch a half hour show and turn it off doesn't work. I'm too curious about too many things.

Poor Kurt Cobain didn't live to give us more of his insight of being trapped but having to try and live anyway. He didn't succeed. The rest of us try to make things work no matter what; we create in any way we can to keep thoughts and insights from festering within.

I've made starting from the middle work for me. Cobain inspired in ways he never would have imagined.

A nonsensical statement

2007-09-27T09:30:00.000-04:00

General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff said earlier this week during a hearing that in his view, gay sex is "immortal" and should not be condoned by the military. Later, he went on to clarify his remarks stating:"Are there wonderful Americans who happen to be homosexual serving in the military? Yes," he told the Senate Appropriations Committee during a hearing Wednesday focused on the Pentagon's 2008 war spending request.
"We need to be very precise then, about what I said wearing my stars and being very conscious of it," he added. "And that is, very simply, that we should respect those who want to serve the nation but not through the law of the land, condone activity that, in my upbringing, is counter to God's law."

Ok. He's entitled to hold whatever view he wishes. However, he needs to be consistent. If sexual activity outside of heterosexual marriage is immoral, then why not make it clear that the military also does not condone sexual activity between unmarried straight people. Start questioning recruits as to whether or not they engage in sex outside of marriage. Ask them if they have children born out of wedlock.

It's only in keeping with the General's personal beliefs.

A Hard Act to Follow: The talents of Rebecca Jamison

2007-09-26T14:47:00.000-04:00

Actually, Rebecca (a/k/a RJ) wrote a book about the veteran actress, Grayson Hall, entitled "A Hard Act to Follow" but you might as well be talking about RJ. What a character. What amazes me about RJ is that she is very right brained (makes a living as an EPA inspector) but can shift gears into the left brained area quite easily. She undertook this massive research project about an actress who was known in the theater and all areas of showbusiness but not a house hold name except for the five years as a vampire's therapist on the classic TV show Dark Shadows. I'm simplifing that on-screen relationship here. RJ is every bit as big as life as the actress that consumed her creative attention for several years, culiminating in this wonderful book available at Amazon.com.

RJ and I bonded over too many bottles of sangaria in New York at a mexican eatery on West 17th Street several years ago and have remained buddies ever since. You should check out her website and order her book. You will love it even if you are not a Grayson Hall in particular: there are great stories told about the theater world and showbiz in general.

CINEMA SALEM: A FILM GUIDE TO THE WITCH CITY

2007-09-26T14:29:00.000-04:00

I met Peter in the mid-1990s while he was a teenager and discovering much about himself as a person and a performer. He appeared in one of the cabaret nights I produced in New York at "Don't Tell Mama's" and went on to script and appear in his own autographical productions and off-Broadway work as well. He's not yet thirty (will be next year!) and Peter has accomplished quite a bit. He's a good friend to have and a very talented, giving individual; a wicked mimic to boot.

I'm especially thrilled for Peter who has recently completed the manuscript for his first publication on a subject that has fascinated him for almost two decades - The Salem Witch Trials. Read the press release below. I promise you - you will not be disappointed reading his book. This man knows how to write!

For Immediate Release (September 26, 2007):

"CINEMA SALEM: A FILM GUIDE TO THE WITCH CITY"
ANNOUNCED FOR OCTOBER 13, 2007 PUBLICATION
----
PETER MAC'S NEW BOOK CELEBRATES
THE COALESCENCE OF MOVIE HISTORY AND THE LEGENDARY WITCH TRIALS

(New York, NY) Just in time for the witching season, acclaimed playwright/entertainer Peter Mac channels his talent to amuse -- and inform -- into an exciting new book, Cinema Salem: A Film Guide to The Witch City. This lavishly detailed and illustrated volume serves as both introduction and companion to the manner in which film, television, and stage productions have portrayed the infamous Salem Witch Trials of 1692 in some 97 years of large and small screen treatments. They're all here: from Arthur Miller's controversial The Crucible to TV's "Bewitched," "Dark Shadows," and "Passions," and Disney's Hocus Pocus.

Cinema Salem will be available through E-Book Time beginning on (naturally!) October 13th and retails for $23.95. The 350-page trade paperback is highlighted by fifty black-and-white photographs, many of them never-before-published.

Although it's more than 300 years since the infamous trials, those events in Salem have never failed to fascinate movie makers and moviegoers. Cinema Salem includes a detailed synopsis of scores of films and television programs that offer widely-different approaches to both the actual history and myriad legends of that era. In addition to behind- the-scenes tidbits, fun facts, and trivia, the book features:

* a special chapter entitled "Bewitched" in Salem (harking back to the seven days that the classic 1960s sitcom filmed on location in Massachusetts);

* an in-depth conversation with writer/producer Victor Pisano attendant to his landmark PBS mini-series, Three Sovereigns for Sarah (starring Vanessa Redgrave);

* a section dedicated to Nathaniel Hawthorne and his The House of the Seven Gables on film; and

* both an interview with and foreword by "Dark Shadows" actress Lara Parker. Parker addresses the history of the original trials and their influence on the scripting of the TV series -- as well as their impact on her new novel, Dark Shadows: The Salem Branch.

From serious drama to television sitcom to multi-media camp, Cinema Salem leaves no stone unturned!

Appropriately, the book will be launched at the Salem Chamber of Commerce Biz Bazaar on Saturday, October 13 (from 10 AM to 8 PM) and Sunday, October 14 (10 AM TO 5 PM). The book makes its New York debut on Sunday, October 28 at 6:30PM at The Gay and Lesbian Community Center, 208 West 13th Street. At each venue, author Mac will offer a discussion, a question & answer session, a video presentation, and sign copies of his book. (Those attending these events will be able to purchase Cinema Salem at the discounted price of $20.)

It is also available through E-Book Time at http://www.e-booktime.com/ and online from both Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Peter Mac is a native New Yorker. He made his debut as a playwright in 2002 with the autobiographical dramedy, Judy and Me, and continues to perform in the TriState area and around the United States as an actor/singer and Judy Garland tribute artist. Cinema Salem: A Film Guide to the Witch City is his first book.

***

For more information, please contact Peter Mac at:
cinemasalem@aol.com

You can also visit http://www.cinemasalem.net/

Or call (718)290-0660.

Showtime's DEXTER

2007-09-26T12:13:00.000-04:00

Before watching a single episode of DEXTER, Showtime's reigning jewel, I read it was like a good book that is too hard to put down.

The hype was right on target. I didn't subscribe to Showtime during DEXTER's first season so I missed it. While looking for new material at Blockbuster, I decided to rent the first season of this acclaimed series and I got hooked. I watched the entire series in two nights. It was hard to stop watching.

I should premise this with a reminder to readers of my life-long interest in organized crime and what makes serial killers tick. I read many books
on these subjects, endlessly fascinated with the inner workings and turmoil of the murderers. This interest also includes a love of all foresenic and investigative programming spread across the television map.

In DEXTER, I have it all in one place.

Dexter Morgan is a blood splatter expert in a crime lab. His adopted father recognized Dexter's unhealthy killer instincts quite early and directed the madness in a more constructive direction such as killing killers, more specifically, killing serial killers. Dexter solves crimes by day and does crime by night (usually at night). Sometimes he gets called to his own crime scene to work it.

Dexter narrates throughout the episodes, allowing the viewer a glimpse into his mind - his hopes and fears - and the questions about himself as to what produced him? How many are there like him out there? Can he find someone to talk to and completely be himself at the same time? His adopted father was the only person who knew Dexter in and out but now the adopted father is dead and buried. Dexter has no one who knows the true him.

Fortunately for viewers, Dexter's metacognition is strong: he suspects he knows why he does things; he wonders why he feels the emptiness, no emotion and wonders if others experience things the same way he does. He wants to learn about himself. There are brief moments in his life during the first season when Dexter has moments of almost feeling something in the way of love and compassion. He has gone to great lengths to learn to act normal and react normally to basic life events so no one suspects the deep void in his heart and soul. Through actor Michael C. Hall's narration speaking as the show's title character, we learn more about Dexter's life issues and questions. We are pulled along as we emphathize with his search for answers and someone to share his problems with openly. Underscoring this, we root for Dexter's private mission in killing those who escape justice and have committed heinous crimes against the innocent.

For Dexter, it's all about protecting the innocent and getting justice for the innocent.

We rooted for Charles Bronson's Paul Kersey (no relation to me, thank you) in DEATH WISE and understood from where his anger came. Dexter has the urge, no, make that need to kill.
The show leaves the views with an obvious moral quandry.

Even apart from the complex morality at play in this series, it's great to be able to enjoy good, strong writing. The performances are good too especially Michael C. Hall who I enjoyed as David in SIX FEET UNDER. This series will sucker you right in and thankful that the second season starts on September 30th.

Just keep those kitchen knives out of sight.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- The blazing morning sun promises another triple-digit day, and inside Stage 16 at Sunset Gower Studios, things already have heated up.

Dexter (Michael C. Hall, left) sizes up a crime scene with a colleague played by Vince Masuka.

Michael C. Hall still hasn't broken a sweat, though, as he moves with steely quickness in a pivotal scene for Showtime's "Dexter," in which he plays a blood analysis expert for Miami's finest who spends his off-hours offing bad guys.
At the moment, Dexter Morgan is carefully manipulating blood samples.
Then he pauses.
With no dialogue, the day's call sheet reveals Dexter's voice-over in which he's torn but resolved about framing an innocent man to cover his own misdeeds, even if it goes against a tenet of his father's: Never hurt the innocent.
"But there's also the No. 1 rule," the voice-over continues: "Don't get caught."
Wouldn't want that to happen -- considering there's a city rife with cold-blooded killers ripe for execution.
"Dexter," which returns Sunday, is one of those dark, complex cable dramas with a tragic, yet appealing antihero -- the sociopath we love to root for.
Don't Miss
The man who created 'Dexter'
"The days of 'Magnum, P.I.' are gone," says executive producer Clyde Phillips. "Part of what we love in our antiheroes now is that shadow side, that part of what we love in ourselves because we all have that shadow."
As the second season opens, it's some 38 days after Dexter saves the city, and foster sister Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter), by murdering his only brother, the notorious Ice Truck Killer.
"For all that was resolved (last season), there are some really open wounds for Dexter," says Hall in his trailer during a break as he fusses with the laces on his sneakers. "I mean Dexter, on all fronts, has people closing in on him."
What with Sgt. Doakes (Erik King) stalking him around every corner, even leading Dexter's ally, Lt. Maria LaGuerta (Lauren Velez), to believe that Dex may have something to hide. And his girlfriend, Rita Bennett (Julie Benz), suspects him of framing her ex-husband and sending him to prison.
The noose tightens even more when evidence of Dexter's killing sprees surface, bringing FBI serial-killer hunter Frank Lundy (Keith Carradine), out on the prowl. He's teaming with Dexter's own comrades on the force, Angel Batista (David Zayas), Vincent Masuka (C.S. Lee) and Debra.
Now Dexter finds himself unable to relax or kill.
"I cant believe how stressful this guy's life is," Hall says, "and he can't talk about it with anybody."
Except with those closest to him -- the viewers.
"I'll tell you, if you couldn't hear his internal dialogue I think it would be a very different story," Velez says of Hall's haunting voice-overs, which offer glimpses into the mind of this madman. "That's the genius of the show."
It premiered with a positive critical push and became the highest-rated drama on the channel, according to Showtime President Robert Greenblatt, and he gave the show an early second-season greenlight after only five episodes.
"I hesitate to use the word because it can signify something that is dull or boring," says Carradine, an admitted fan, "but this show appeals on a more intellectual level, but it's a viscerally entertaining show."
Carpenter offers: "It's kind of like Showtime serving up this really stiff drink and every once in a while they are going to throw it in your face, but you'll still keep coming back. It's intoxicating."
And sometimes perplexing.
"One of the great things about Dexter is that he means something different to different people," says co-executive producer Daniel Cerone of the character based on the Jeff Lindsay novels.
"You can talk to one fan of the show and they connect with this guy's insatiable need to kill," Cerone continues. "Then you talk to another fan who thinks Dexter's a good guy killing bad guys. It can be confusing but it's accessible to people because they can bring their own moral center to the show."
The thing that the show aims to explore, says executive producer John Goldwyn, are the absolutes: Am I absolutely evil or am I absolutely good? The answers lie in Dexter's relationship with his foster father, former cop Harry Morgan (James Remar, who's seen in flashbacks).
"Therein lies the eternal conflict," Goldwyn says. "Did Harry make him the way he is, or was he born the way he is? Is it nature or is it nurture?" E-mail to a friend
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Senator Happy Feet

2007-09-25T10:52:00.001-04:00

I'm sure most readers have heard or read something about Senator Craig's arrest for allegedly soliciting another man in a public bathroom, and that man turned out to be an undercover policeman.

Do our police have nothing better to do than wait for horny gay men in public bathrooms?

Why is it illegal for a gay man, closeted or otherwise, to make a pass at another man but quite legal for a hetrosexual person to make a pass at another person they presume to be straight? I can personally attest that plenty of straight women receive "passes" they have no interest in acting on. And even after the initial rejection, the guy can come on quite strong. That's not illegal unless, of course, he becomes physical.

I don't see what Senator Craig supposedly did as being wrong. My complaint is that this homophobic conversative has gotten caught practicing the very thing he publicly reviles. Having sex in a bathroom is not my idea of a good time, it's not a fantasy, but for others it is a fantasy to receive that kind of solicitation and for closeted gays it can be one of the few ways to hook up.

I don't see prostitution as a problem other than what law enforcement chooses to make of it. The industry could be regulated for safety of both the johns and the prostitutes. Why is it against the law for someone to pay another for sex? Does that make any sense? We pay for many services that involve our body including for pleasure. There are those who prefer paying for sex without having any obligation or further involvement. They just want sex. Why can't they be free to buy it and specify what they want as they are paying for it?

Our view of sex and sexual orientation in this country leaves much to be desired. Our technological advances move forward at an alarming rate, the human factor removed more and more, and it's no small wonder since we cannot deal with the human factor in a productive way. The human body and personality is vastly complex.

But here we are still witnessing a strong, intelligent, assertive woman having her sexuality called into question. I am speaking of Hillary Clinton. Some of the news reports state there are supposedly people wondering about her sexual orientation. Her TRUE sexual orientation. The question isn't about the desire to have a deeper understanding of what makes Hillary tick as much as implying she has something to hide or has been less than honest about her life and views. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, of course, unless the supposed revealation is designed to bring the subject of the claim down and attack her credibility. That's what this is all about in regards to Hillary. Whether or not she is living as a sexually fulfilled woman in a life she wants isn't the concern. Hell, no.

This is the Hillary version of playing Happy Feet in the john.

The Tale of Gizmo's Ears

2007-09-24T12:58:00.001-04:00

I have a very querlous cat named Gizmo. She fascinates me. Sometimes she seems to endure things that are against her nature to tolerate, but she does anyway because it's me doing it.

I have loved from afar scottish fold cats and American curls whose ears curl such as this:

Love those ears. Well, Gizmo, for all her calico wonderfulness, does not have the curling ears. I wondered if I could manufacture these lovely curl ears on her. Gizmo normally looks like this below:

This is Gizmo in one of her favorite pasttimes - chewing on my toes. Sometimes I do wonder how she has managed to live as long as she has, going on four years now.

So I decided to try curling Gizzy's ears the way I would like them.

Doesn't she looked pleased? I sure was.

But only crazy glue could make them stay in place.

Gizzy would not go for that. What an uncooperative cat I have.

Returning from an unexpected hiatus

2007-09-13T09:10:00.000-04:00

It's been quite awhile since I posted here. The reason is being preoccupied with treatment I've been getting in regards to my being diagnosed with melanoma (skin cancer) last December. I didn't tell anyone at all for several months and now I can't remember whose been told and who hasn't so this post will be news to some friends and family alike, I'm sure. I dislike being asked questions I don't know the answer to hence my decision to keep the diagnosis to myself while I pursued treatment options and plans available for the uninsured.

The growth I detected and investigated by doctors proved to have not invaded any body organs. Still, the growth was enough to make me feel weak and sick to my stomach many days. I am not used to not having any energy. I usually have too much.

The treatment was not aggressive as the situation did not warrant it; a treatment called immunuelogy was used. That also made me sick and feel lifeless.

While I was a child, I had a few very severe sunburns. I've been more careful since my 20s when I am out in the sun. I wear a hat and light clothing on the beach and sometimes even in the ocean when I'm swimming at the beach. It looks mighty silly and hot but that's how I must take care of myself to avoid any more bouts with skin cancer.

Cancer sucks big time. I don't want anymore.

The Cold Orange

2007-08-13T14:11:00.000-04:00

Across the country and up and down the Atlantic coast, the temperatures during the past few weeks has been hot and humid. Today is no exception. I took a walk through midtown Philadelphia while on a lunch break and noticed a sweet interaction. A youngish, homeless man was seated on a street bench looking quite dejected. Who knows how he happened to become homeless? It doesn't take much.

A woman walking by took notice of this homeless man, stopped, reached into her insulated lunch bag, and pulled out an orange. She offered it to this man, explaining that it was "very cold" as it had been in her insulated bag all morning. The homeless man took the orange, sputtering his thanks and began to peel it.

There was a look of absolute joy in this man's face as he pulled apart the chilled, obviously very juicy orange; he savored the taste and, no doubt, the refreshing chill against the hot afternoon sun. He ate the orange slowly, not like a hungry man, but someone who was taking his time to enjoy a rare moment. I watched him consume this orange with such delicate relish as if it were an exotic fruit obtained only every great once in a while.

But, of course, for someone with no home, no job and no income, nothing is to be taken for granted. All gifts are welcome.

Especially a cold orange on a hot, sunny day on a bench.

Arrogance Shot Down

2007-08-07T09:15:00.000-04:00

I did not get the drama teacher position that I interviewed for two weeks ago. My arrogance in thinking "they are nuts not to hire me - how many around here with my background are there?" was disproven. The irony is that I often remind people who act as if Delaware is on the moon someplace that some of the theater's very best talent has come from this small state and given the size of Delaware, it's chock full of arts-related communities and organizations. It amazed me when I moved back here just how active in the arts the state was. While I promote Delaware as being "all that" in the back of my mind I still don't give it or the citizens of the state the credit due.

Yes, Nancy, there are people with impressive theaterical backgrounds similar to yours. There are people with more teaching experience on a high school level than yours. And that's what it all came down to as well: the existing experience teaching high school drama and directing high school musicals, the latter not my strongest point. I could do it, yes, but this school wanted a track record for directing high school musicals and designing four year programs for students.

I don't blame them. My rejection for the job doesn't mean I will never teach at that school; I just won't for the time being.

I have an interview at another high school tomorrow. If I choose this job and they choose me, I will be able to earn that coveted certification that will open up other well-paying teaching opportunities for me in the evenings in addition to the college-level adjunct positions.

Things seem to be coming together for the first time in many years. The past few years have been absolutely hellish professionally and that impacts my personal life, of course. Little money and periods of unemployment was quite demoralizing. But just with the move to this townhouse and setting things up has seemingly triggered other events; the sense of becoming grounded once again lifts my mood considerably. I'm writing consistently again for the first time in ages and more organized in my approach to things.

It's never too late to turn things around. Maybe that is what's happening now.

Bouncing Off the Walls

2007-07-29T07:43:00.000-04:00

It's been over a week now since I interviewed for the drama teacher position at the arts-oriented high school. I sent a thank you to the Dean. I have not received a letter in the mail from the school with the "thanks but no thanks" language that happens at the higher schools of education because of my lack of a Masters degree. I restated my interest in the job in my thank you note and provided my email address too. Still, nothing. I am actually afraid to email the Dean and ask whether or not I'm on board or not. It's silly, I know but the suspense would kill me at this point. I would rather just glide along rather than wait for an answer to a pointed question. I don't know why I am dealing with the wait in this manner.

Still, I can't imagine being turned down for this job. How many drama teachers come in there who have actually worked on Broadway productions? I ask myself that as a sort of comfort but then even in my own reality that only sounds impressive; it's really not. A production is a production. Broadway is more about money and unions; off-broadway and off-off Broadway has the same nonsense go on as Broadway productions. The stakes are not nearly as high. I remember standing on a Broadway stage twice in my life to an empty theater and saying to myself how I did not feel any different standing there than any other stage I've been on.

The cynical part of me whispers into my ear that the job is too perfect for me which is why I won't get it. At any rate, should that happen, I will be crest-fallen but I still have a job that I enjoy.

Week two of the week begins tomorrow.

Ageless Classics

2007-07-26T09:50:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I got Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was late coming into the whole Harry Potter phenom. I remember hearing about the character and the success of the first book but it was not until my friend Sinead gave me Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets the Christmas after it was published did I first read the story. I had heard the book was written for children but whether or not that was so, I was hooked. I went back to the book store and bought the first book. Magical, is all I can say. The experience of reading the Harry Potter books takes you deeply in the world of make-believe and that is not the monopoly of children. (Check out George Bush's foreign policy to see more of adult make-believe in action).

This experience with the Harry Potter craze made me think of the friends that I have; ageless people in many ways. Today is the 75th birthday of one of my dearest friends of the past thirty years, Norah. I called her in Ireland where she is visiting (she is from Ireland as well) and she was completely surprised that I remembered her birthday. But, see, I have wished her in person or over the phone a happy birthday on her birthday for the past thirty years and she always reacts as if it were the first time and just happened to remember. It's so funny. But my friendship with this lady in spite of a thirty year age difference has been one of the most important in my life.

Then there is her daughter, Sinead, who gave me my first Harry Potter book who I consider a friend as well in spite of our twenty year ago difference. She is the same age as my dear friend Peter in New York, whom I've known since he was fifteen. When I first moved to New York City I was working with a guy then named Billy (he changed it to Will later) who was all of sixteen. He was part of a production venture along with me. But in spite of the fact there was a ten year gap between us, he became a very close friend. We had much in common including a similar sense of humor and appreciation for the art of carefully-crafted sarcasm. That was the first time I realized that I could appreciate the friendship of someone much younger than myself the same way I had always appreciated the friendship of those old enough to be a parent to me.

How the hell does all this tie in with Harry Potter? Well, I'll tell you. Magic. Going against the grain, stepping out of the comfort zone and enjoying new experiences and not cutting yourself off from making new friends based on age or any other criteria. If you click, you click. Why think about age or anything else? Author J.K. Rowland has created one of the greatest characters in English literature and the Harry Potter series will be a classic future generations will enjoy. It won't matter when the books were written - the appeal is widespread. It doesn't matter for whom the books were intially geared towards. Children and adults can enjoy the work.

I will keep my precious tome by my side until I finish it. And I will glory in the unexpected and magical.

Harry Potter Shatters Records

2007-07-23T12:37:00.000-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/07/23/harry.potter.ap/index.html

Over 8 million copies OF A BOOk was sold in 24 hours. A truly beautiful thing.

Oh, Teacher!

2007-07-19T10:42:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I decided to take a look at local teaching opportunities. I discovered that the Cab Calloway School for the Arts in my native town is looking for two drama teachers.

First problem, I am not a certified teacher. Yes, I have taught every age group in seminars and special classes but I am not a certified teacher for the secondary school. There are alternative routes to certification that can be earned while on the job. I checked this out too and discovered that there are only certain fields the program will sponsor such an alternative track. The closest field to drama is English. A few years ago, I tried this tact as an alternative to certification and was told that Drama wasn't sponsored by this alternative program. This time I decided I would challenge that.

I got in contact with the program director and pointed out that in order to get certified as a teacher of drama, I had to pass the Praxis II test in English. There isn't a drama section in the Praxis exam. Furthermore, in drama class if teaching playwrighting or using any test, I had to teach text analysis; critical reading of scripts and thinking as an actor are skills born in the language arts classes. Indeed, when I was a student in this very same school district my English classes were my introduction to drama. I read Shakespeare. I played Hamlet in a loose production because no one else wanted to. I read Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" which made a powerful artistic impact on me.

So why can't I fit into this program?

Well, the dean of the school I applied to and the director of this program now agree with me. I have an interview at the school tomorrow at 9 a.m.

Thing is, I do love this part-time gig I have working in intellectual property. I have been waiting for it to go full-time. However, if I get offered the full-time teaching job, I think I will ask if I can keep this part-time gig to work after school hours. It's not that many more hours, the money is good and I enjoy the work. It might get old after awhile, I don't know, but that's the tact I am going to take should I get hired for the teaching position.

Keep your eyes and fingers crossed for me, please.

Open Letter to Pope Benedict

2007-07-16T14:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Sir:

I read with great interest, and some amusement, your recent answers to questions about the Doctrine of the Catholic Church. I am a Presbyterian, a church officer in fact. Our Sunday school class would visit other dominations including attending Catholic Mass, Jewish services and even orthodox services. Our teachers did this so we could learn why people believe what they do. We were not there to criticize; we were there to ask questions. This exercise assisted us in learning about the world, different faiths and how we need to treat them with respect. We may not agree but we have respect and understanding for those who differ from us. It was an invaluable lesson.

Which brings me to the curious document entitled CONGREGATION FOR THE DOCTRINE OF THE FAITH: RESPONSES TO SOME QUESTIONS REGARDING CERTAIN ASPECTSOF THE DOCTRINE ON THE CHURCH which was recently released, with your blessing.

I don't care what Catholics believe really. It is their right to believe what they choose as long as they do not prevent me from practicing my faith. However, in this document, the respect is not shared and I answer now only because you minimize the belief system of those who are not Catholic. You speak of theological debate in the document that was released. So here are my responses to this curious document that was put together by an office you once headed. Since you approved of the publication of said document, I will respond as if you wrote it yourself.

You wrote:
"Christ “established here on earth” only one Church and instituted it as a “visible and spiritual community” that from its beginning and throughout the centuries has always existed and will always exist, and in which alone are found all the elements that Christ himself instituted.
This one Church of Christ, which we confess in the Creed as one, holy, catholic and apostolic […]. This Church, constituted and organised in this world as a society, subsists in the Catholic Church, governed by the successor of Peter and the Bishops in communion with him.”

The "church" is that spiritual entity which recognizes Jesus as the Son of God, our savior. Jesus asked Peter for his opinion on who he (Jesus) was and Peter responded you are the Son of God. He wasn't coached in his response. Jesus had not point blank told people this about himself. Peter got it and as such, Jesus said that Peter's faith would the rock upon which he would build his church on. There was no further mention about formal structure or organization and indeed absolutely no further evidence that Jesus ever said anything about a Pope, bishops and the rest of it. I think a detail like that would be spoken about since it is considered such an important point to you, Benedict. But Jesus didn't set up the "Church" in the way you contend. The fact is, people like yourself have made it up as you went along how the Church was to be structured. It wasn't sanctioned by Jesus. There is no biblical evidence of Jesus dictating, much less approving, the hierachial set up you describe.

You wrote:
"It is possible, according to Catholic doctrine, to affirm correctly that the Church of Christ is present and operative in the churches and ecclesial Communities not yet fully in communion with the Catholic Church, on account of the elements of sanctification and truth that are present in them. Nevertheless, the word “subsists” can only be attributed to the Catholic Church alone precisely because it refers to the mark of unity that we profess in the symbols of the faith (I believe... in the “one” Church); and this “one” Church subsists in the Catholic Church."

You see, Benedict; it is not necessary for Christians to be in "communion" with you or an entity called The Catholic Church. The crux of our faith is to be in communion with the Holy Trinity. This is why I address you as "Sir" and not "Holy Father." There is only one Holy Father and you ain't it. You can believe you are the "only" Church until the cows come home but, again, there is no basis for that statement or belief.

You answered the following question:

Why do the texts of the Council and those of the Magisterium since the Council not use the title of “Church” with regard to those Christian Communities born out of the Reformation of the sixteenth century?
RESPONSE
According to Catholic doctrine, these Communities do not enjoy apostolic succession in the sacrament of Orders, and are, therefore, deprived of a constitutive element of the Church. These ecclesial Communities which, specifically because of the absence of the sacramental priesthood, have not preserved the genuine and integral substance of the Eucharistic Mystery cannot, according to Catholic doctrine, be called “Churches” in the proper sense."

Again, you need to remember that, for example, the Protestant Church bases its beliefs on the Bible, particuarly the New Testament. The reason the Protestant Church came into being was because the Catholic Church of the middle ages was violating the principles of the Christian faith right and left. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. In order to save the faith on moral grounds, a group of priests tried to reform the Catholic Church and bring it back in line with the core Christian beliefs as set forth by Christ.

Where in the Bible is there any discussion about the importance of apostolic succession? No where, that's where. What is a Christian? This is one question that has one very simple answer: anyone who believes Jesus is his or her saviour, the Son of God. Where you get this apostolic succession nonsense is beyond me. Again, a man-decreed claim about what makes one a Christian. The Bible doesn't bear you out. Your priests are not holy men bestowed with some magical gifts to turn wine into the blood of Christ, turn bread into his flesh. They are mortal. Jesus repeatedly states through the New Testament that no one comes to the Lord but through him. He never mentions priests or any other figure.

At the last supper, Jesus showed his disciples how to remember him by breaking bread and drinking wine. No where is there any indication he meant that in a literal sense. He did cut his arm and bleed into a cup beseeching his disciples to drink of his blood. He did not have a disciple carve a piece of his flesh off and consume it as he would bread. He was demonstrating an act of great symbolic importance in the faith. And as people we would break bread and consume the wine together in memory of Jesus and his sacrifice. How you got all that you did out of that simple gesture I have no idea.

But the arrogance in your stance that you are it and the rest of it are just drifting along misguided and confused isn't anything we can even get really angry about. It's just amusing such holy people are obviously so ignorant of the Bible's basic teachings. Keep those pronouncements coming!!!!

Nancy

Behind the Stage Antics

2007-07-16T14:03:00.000-04:00

Those familiar with this blog know that I have spent part of my working life at the entertainment law firm of Grubman Indursky in New York City. This is where I first became familiar with the demands of singers and their bands regarding dressing room accommodations. Some are really quite funny. Others are ridiculousness. Now you can read the contracts of these very same singers and their bands which insist on certain things being in a certain place at a certain time in their respective dressing room before, during and after the show. Check it out.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/index.html

NUTS!

2007-07-13T13:15:00.000-04:00

The first DVD that I have ever produced is days away from being shipped off to the production company where the duplicating and packaging will take place. I've been lucky in having a good friend as a consultant on the project in legal terms and creative input. We are going to have 500 copies made for what we are terming a "trial run" in August at an event where our featured actor on the DVD will be making a very rare appearance. He will also perform.

I've been scattered all over the place and the core reason for that is that I have done nothing to get my physical house in order. We moved in back in March and since that move, we have been preoccupied with numerous pressing matters professionally and personally. The boxes have remained unpacked. It's ridiculous. The energy to focus on the mundane task of putting things away and organizing the place hasn't been there for me. Usually, my housemate Kay gets up the gumption to jump in and make things work but she's had her own physical issues. It appears she will have to get a knee replacement. This knee has been the bane of her existence now for over a year, making any long periods of standing or walking painful and impossible.

On June 12th, Kay was driving back to work from lunch and was struck head-on by another car who blew a light to make a turn in front of her. Kay went to the hospital, had tests done, nothing broken but she jammed her arms, shoulders and hands against the steering wheel with such force that her muscles still hurt a month later. She is in physical therapy. She's also in pain much of the time. The meds Kay was given make her drowsy so she can only take them when she is not at work. All of this and other small fires have created the sense of scatteredness I feel right now.

One thing is for sure: nothing else can go on until after this weekend and I have sorted out all the boxes, set up my home office properly, my bedroom and those things that keep me somewhat sane.

I was told that the end of June I would be able to go full-time at this current position. I'm still waiting for that final okay. The part-time salary isn't doing much for my situation.

I don't expect to able to retire from the production and sale of these DVDs I am in the process of producing.

Tag! You're it!

2007-06-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

My friend Michelle sent me this today and I decided to participate. By the way, if you enjoy movies Michelle's blog is an excellent place to visit. http://www.criticalmusings.com/

Add your blog and location to the bottom of this list, and send it on
A Secular Franciscan Life - Billings, Montana, USA Erica’s Blog - Brooklyn, New York, USA Groanin’ Jock - Montrose, Scotland, Great Britain The Kat House - Knoxville, Tennessee, USA blogitude.com (Mark Steel) - Knoxville, Tennessee, USA Rantz (Rantz) - Darwin, Northern Territory, Oz Oceanhideaway (Tig) -Atlanta, Georgia, USA Critical Musings - Buffalo, New York, Hailstones and Halibut Bones, Newark, Delaware

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No. My parents debated the names Valerie and Eileen for me only because they liked those names. They settled on Nancy.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A few months ago when one of my chief mentors committed suicide.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roast beef

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nope.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes, too much in fact.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Captain Crunch

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically or mentally? Physically I am very strong. Mentally - I do okay.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter almond or butter brickle

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes.

RED OR PINK? NEITHER!!!! Depends.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Too sarcastic.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad and grandparents

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black pants and brown shoes

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Peanut Butter Tandycakes

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nothing.

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Orange.

FAVORITE SMELLS? Certain incense like Frankensense and Myrr

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Someone from the mail room.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? I like to watch most sports.

FAVORITE HAIR COLOR[S]? Red

FAVORITE EYE COLOR? Blue

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not currently but I am planning to get some soon.

FAVORITE FOOD? Steamed blue crabs

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? both

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Ghostrider

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue with vertical dark and white stripes

SUMMER OR WINTER? Both

HUGS OR KISSES?Depends on who is doing both

FAVORITE DESSERT? Creame brulee

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Boss of Bosses

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dali painting

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing

FAVORITE SOUND[S]? Thunder and Rain

ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? Like both

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? British Isles and Ireland

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? A couple

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? East coast - the state of Delaware

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Whoever chooses to respond and Will, you've been tagged!

The Day I told off Al Pacino (sort of)

2007-06-18T14:49:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I was talking to a friend of mine about The Sopranos controversial end; I now believe Tony was whacked at the end of the episode. The guy sidling up to the counter killed him. Tony's moment just before his death experience and the moment of was what we witnessed, very like what Bobby Bacala predicted death would be like some weeks before when Tony and Bobby were on the little boat in the river.

This conversation transformed into an analysis of the gangster genre on film, which brought us to my all time favorite movie The Godfather and the subject of Al Pacino.

"I told off Al Pacino once," I said to my friend.

"What?!"

I had to clarify this, of course. "Well, not to his face."

The story goes like this: one late morning in the early 1990s I was whizzing back and forth all over the place at the theater where I worked. I was an adminstrator/casting agent/script reader and sometimes I even fixed the copier. I was also in charge of the internship program at this Off-Broadway house renowned for its work in presenting full staged productions interesting plays and doing workshops and staged readings of hundreds more throughout the year. The workshops and staged readings is something that I did casting for in addition to push through incoming scripts I thought had potential for being staged.

The members of the theater consisted of performers and writers who are known by name and/or known by their face by the public; others have been quietly and productively working in the business for forty or fifty years. Our members could develop plays for production and rehearse in the mainstage theater area. It was in that environment an unknown person came into the main office late one morning to announce that he would be rehearsing with blah blah on blah blah along with Al Pacino, a friend of one of those involved in the rehearsal/production. That was fine; the rehearsal was scheduled.

But then I was told that "Mr. Pacino requested that NO ONE came into the main stage theater while he was rehearsing because he didn't like being watched."

I did Jackie Gleason bug eyes. "You've got to be kidding me!" I said incredously. The young man insisted he was not.

"Look, this is a professional theater and we have rehearsals or plays going on almost every day of the week, 7 days a week. We have more work to do than there are hours in the day. If I have business in the production office (which was located through the main stage door further down the corridor) I'm going to attend to it. I have no interest in what Mr. Pacino is doing. Besides, if he doesn't like being watched he needs to find a new day job."

The young man was now doing the Jackie Gleason eyes but said nothing and turned away. Nothing more was said about it. However, I learned a few years later from a camera crew working on Law and Order (where I was working as an extra) they had done a "The Making of" type of film for Godfather III and had been told that when not filming, they were not to stare or watch Mr. Pacino do anything.

Ugh. So much for my having been a fan of this man. Sheesh. I'm sure back in the day when Mr. Pacino was struggling to get work he never told the director or stage manager to ensure that no one watch him while he worked.

Maybe that's why the last scene of The Sopranos ended as it did: no one wanted to watch Tony get whacked.

The 49ers or Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-06-15T09:23:00.000-04:00

June 13th was my natal anniversary. In spite of the overcast day, I had a good time and prepared to party for the rest of the month in celebration of my birthday. I turned 49.

I share my birthday with poet William Butler Yeats, a favorite of mine.

Two fascinating observations (to me, anyway): I've actually become almost domesticated. Never in a million years did I ever believe I would be thrilled to pieces to receive a really cool blender with a fantastic food processor attachment. For years and years growing up I haunted bookshops, stationery and hardware stores and now I find myself looking for and spending too much time in "kitchen" stores. I know what cheesecloth is. I even know how to use it. I make quiches and experiment with tarts - dessert and meal types. They even taste good.

I also learned that 50 is no longer the cut-off point to adopt a child. It is for some countries and agencies in the U.S. but not all. That came as a relief to me. However, I also know that if I decide to get married, I will probably go through the adoption process, have the child and then get pregnant. That's not a terrible thing, mind you, but it would be a challenge.

If nothing else, I have found a groove that's quite comfortable. I know that I can't do one thing day in and day out no matter what it is and how much I love it. My creative writing has never been better and I am more productive now than I have been in the past ten years. I'm applying for grants and scholarships all over the place. If nothing works out, nothing works out. My work is still there waiting to be done.

I think for my 50th I will have my big party in New York. That's where most of my friends still live and having a blowout up there would be fantastic though I would probably keep the count down to a minimum. I don't want to spend the entire time catching up with people I haven't seen or talked to in awhile.

So here's to another grand year! I'm rather looking forward to turning 50.

Brilliant End to a Brilliant Series: The Sopranos

2007-06-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

I was wrong in my prediction of the finale but not disappointed. I am very surprised by some of the "reviews" I've read this morning about the last episode of this magnificient series. "Fans Get Whacked" said one wag about the lack of "bang boom" ending.

Did these people learn nothing during the past eight years watching this show?

Creator David Chase could have even ended the series with the last episode and that had orignally be the intention. However, a few more loose ends were wrapped up with the finale (not all) but it wasn't a nice, neat package. There were no show-stopping events, not even the slaying of Phil Leotardo qualified for that. That was a typical hit with some interesting car action to add a solid period to the end of that death sentence.

What is it the supposedly disappointed fans of the series wanted? A bloodbath? Dr. Melfi changing her mind about having Tony as her patient? "Ade" showing up, never having been killed by turncoat Silvio? I did predict a death that would be a personal blow to Tony however I did not feel let down by Chase's script for the finale.

The main horror in this show is the life that has been chosen and the lack of psychological freedom. There is always something serious to worry about, usually life threatening. The whackings were a physical manifestion but not the ultimate horror except maybe to the person being whacked, of course.

Can you imagine choosing a life where you always have wonder if your closest friends are people you can really trust? You can't even sit at a traffic light without wondering who the people are pulling up beside you or even behind you. You never sit with your back to the door. I'm not feeling sorry for those who choose the life and have these consequences but it does make me wonder what kind of desperado wants to live this way. Tony Soprano seemed to be having some major breakthroughs in revelations about life and what was important. But those spiritual insights were short-lived.

The horror goes on for Tony and he continues to choose to live that horror. That was what the last episode was about: more of the same. Nothing really did change with Tony. He was continuing to live the life. There was no resolution. No conclusion. One character in his life lives and dies and another moves in to replace that character. The vicious cycle doesn't change. It will never change and neither will Tony Soprano.

That's what the last episode made so clear and evidently so many fans and reviewers missed.

Ensemble Studio Theater Marathon

2007-06-06T09:47:00.000-04:00

The annual E.S.T. Marathon, the festival of one-act plays, was Curt Dempster's pride and joy. He freted the Marathon would not be able to launch this year due to the lack of funds. Ironically, his death and the goodwill funding following it, has enabled the Marathon to go up as planned and it has met with it's usual success. VARIETY had a wonderful write-up

http://www.variety.com/review/VE1117933821.html?categoryid=1265&cs=1

as did a few other theater publications about the first leg of the Marathon. It is the first without Curt's direction. The new artistic director, Billy Carden, has taken over the reigns. Even though Curt was the symbol of E.S.T. for many "backers" and other supporters, most recognize that there was no sound system in place for running the day-to-day operations at the theater. Curt was many things but not a business person. The daily operation of the theater has always been run by a wink and a prayer and I remember that well from my year and a half as an administrator. I suspected then we might get more funding if we could prove some sort of stability and knowledge of how to run daily operations and prepare for the long-term goals.

In subsequent articles about Curt's sudden death and E.S.T.'s future, the matter of the theater's lack of stability and the bewilderment of many as to how the theater ran at all has been discussed. There is a wide-spread belief that under Billy Carden, things will improve on the business end. Curt's "my way or no way" way of doing things is not Billy's way of doing things. I remember him well from the days when I worked for Curt at the theater. If you are not a good business person, it's smart to let others who are have their way otherwise you are an artistic director of a theater that can't afford to produce anything.

I believe that now E.S.T. will be able to find the stability and future planning it never really had.

So why is this so important for this theater as opposed to any other theater in New York or America? E.S.T. is one of the very few theaters who champion only new voices and will read unsolicited manuscripts. We can't have a theater of constant revivals of old favorites and hits. The commercial theater simply prohibits taking the kind of chance on a new play E.S.T. is willing to do. Those who get their work read and produced at E.S.T. furtehr develop their work and go on to the commercial theater all over the country.

Ironically, E.S.T. stands to do much better now financially with new management in place and one with a keen understanding of what needs to be done to stablize it. This will be a wonderful journey for the theater which has struggled so long to make ends meet.

Women, Guns and my cousin Diane

2007-06-05T10:50:00.000-04:00

http://www.womenandguns.com/TOC.html

If you do not see an image above but do see a red X in the upper left hand corner, click on that X to see the photo.

The above is my married-in-the-family-cousin Diane, my blood cousin Tom's wife. (You followed all that, didn't you?) Tom and Diane have extensively studied the martial arts and also tactical weapon training. They are passionate about these pursuits and it has brought them much joy and friendship over the years. Diane made the "cover" of the most recent issue of the magazine Women And Guns. Isn't she purty?

Diane was with her mother-in-law Joan and my mother in the White House on the morning of 9/11 taking the grand tour. They were hustled out immediately upon the completion of the tour and once outside, saw the smoke coming from the Pentagon and what they later learned were members of a swat team fanning out on the roof of the White House. As they approached the street, cars had pulled over to the side, opened their doors so the radio could be heard. It was there they learned of the attacks in New York and Washington.

Needless to say, there was some concern about how to get out of Washington the quickest. Joan and Diane were visiting from the west coast (Washington state) and Mom had driven them down from Delaware the day before to visit D.C. Mom had parked in a parking lot earlier in the day and they had shuttled in to a train and then made the journey to the White House. While on the train heading towards the shuttle area, a woman who had just gotten off her cell phone, told them her ex-husband was coming to get her and that they would see Mom, Joan and Diane got to their car and would lead them out of D.C. the fastest way possible. This was a big help, of course. Mom was worried about me in New York though she knew I was well away from the collapsed Twin Towers. Nobody knew where these screwballs were going to strike again.

My Favorite Murderers

2007-06-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

The June 3rd episode of The Sopranos was a blood bath. It is the second to last show of this fabulous, ground-breaking series which is destined to be a TV classic and a model for those who wish to write and produce in television.

Aside from Tony Soprano, my other favorite murderer on the series was Bobby, Tony's agonized brother-in-law. He was killed last night by Phil Leotardo's boys while looking over toy model trains, his much loved hobby. It's funny how you can feel that his murder is so unfair; out of all the sociopaths he associated with, Bobby seemed to have the most to give when not carrying out his mob duties. I felt the same way about Christopher's death/murder only two weeks ago though Christopher was a heartless bastard in so many ways.

Then there is Tony Soprano. It seemed that throughout the series Tony strived to better himself on a human level and gain more insight into his own personality and failings. However, the opposite has happened. Tony is far worse than when he started therapy with Dr. Melfi seven years ago. That's not necessarily because Dr. Melfi is a bad therapist: therapy only works if you put work into it. I sometimes wonder if Tony didn't use therapy to sort out his weaknesses and identify his strengths in order to be a more efficient mob boss. Tony's increasing viciousness comes at a bad time for his son, A.J., in the process of a major mental meltdown. The story with A.J. comes at an odd time: towards the series end. It's because this story has been developing over the past several episodes I'm convinced that in the final show, A.J. will wind up being shot and killed only because the original target - Tony - was missed. One source said that there is a scene in the final episode with Carmella, Tony and A.J. in an ice cream parlor. Will Carmela and A.J. get whacked by "accident"?

It's a fair assumption. Creator David Chase is a longtime fan of mob movies (like myself). The worst thing that happened to Michael Corleone was that his daughter was murdered only because she got in the way of the assasin's bullet and his intended target at the last minute. We are left to assume from the end of that movie (Godfather III) that the death of his daughter because of family "business" utterly broke him and he died a lonely, old man.

Tony talked about the importance of family throughout the series. What is the worst thing that could happen to him?

Being killed by Phil's mob? Or living to see members of his family killed because they got in the way of the intended target: Tony?

Killing Tony off is too easy. In the end, it doesn't punish him much unless you believe in the blazing Hellfire stories. The worst thing that could happen to Tony Soprano is seeing and surviving a shooting that leaves his son or wife (or both) dead or terribly maimed.

We have six days to wait and find out.

To my readers . .

2007-05-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

I received two emails over the weekend from readers who wondered why their feedback was not being posted.

Well, that's because I apparently don't receive the feedback via mail as I should. In order to avoid spam, I set up this blogger feedback section in a way so I could avoid getting spam and get feedback. For reasons still not determined, I don't receive notification of feedback or the feedback. So please don't think your feedback is being ignored. When I click onto the feedback directly from the blogger site, I can't get into the link. I have tried several times to resolve this problem to no avail.

Please email me feedback rather than try to post it the usual way. It just doesn't work. Sorry for the hassle!

How do you know?

2007-05-24T12:02:00.000-04:00

During this past spring semester, a student of mine asked me how I knew I wanted to teach. I hadn't thought about it. I have always had the desire to share what I know with people and encourage them.

As a teacher, I don't say things I don't mean. I will not say something was good when I don't feel it was. However, it is a rare experience to not find something positive about a student or their work. If someone simply doesn't care, I do write them off. There is a fundamental joy I get when I work with students sharing knowledge and watching them develop.

I encourage total strangers too. What gets me out of bed each day is the drive to do new things, master certain skills and explore. It is very difficult for me to understand people who do not have any interest in stepping outside of themselves or their comfort zone. I'm heading towards 50 now and I hope I can live another 50 years in order to do all that I would like to do or try doing.

Perhaps it is judgmental of me to push others hard whether I am a student, friend or collaborator. I say things like "You are too hard on yourself" or "you do have talent: you need to work at more is all" not to ingratiate myself to that person (I have encouraged people I don't even like)but because I believe so strongly in potential. As a teacher and a continuing education student I have seen middle-aged people return to school or go to college for the first time to get a B.A. degree. One of them said to me "You know, in four years I'll be 54 when I graduate" and I said, "You'll be 54 anyway so you might as well have made strides in some way." Nowadays people retire much later especially if they enjoy working or particularly enjoy what they are doing for a living. The notion of finding new and better ways to do things is seen as a positive rather than something to fear.

Encouragement is something we all need. We can't rely on it as fuel with which to move forward and pursue our goals; we have to find ways to encourage ourselves when there is literally no support around. Nobody wanted me to pursue the arts in my family because of the unpredictability of the field(s) and difficulty in obtaining steady work. But I went for it anyway. I know it can feel very isolating when no one else seems to care about your goals and aspirations which is why I encourage friends and strangers to go for it - what makes them happy, what experiment they might want to try, what new direction they want to pursue in life.

So how do you know that you want to be a teacher? Or, how do you know you want to be a writer? An actor?

You just know. And you dig down deep inside you to find the courage and the strength to go for it. As you travel, you encourage others in their endeavors.

I don't see any other way to be.

The Sopranos: Got Yourself a Classic

2007-05-23T09:13:00.000-04:00

I've been a viewer of The Sopranos since they hit the airwaves nine years ago. My lifelong intrigue with the history and practices of organized crime in America and Italy made the series a natural for me to check out initially; the superior writing and acting sucked me in for the long haul.

And now it's almost over.

When The Sopranos first caught the critics' eye on HBO, it was hailed for being innovative, groundbreaking. The mainstream networks agreed but pointed to the fact the series had more latitude than it's network competition: people could swear up a storm and sex could be more graphic.

As if that was the reason the series was a success. I don't know of a single person of my acquaintance or years of trolling feature stories on this classic who rushed to turn on the TV at 9:00 p.m. Sunday nights for the purpose of watching the characters use profanity and get partially naked for sex. Sour grapes, or sour guns.

It's a sad commentary on television in general that it has to be seen as nothing short of a phenomenon a TV show is tightly written, creative and willing to push the envelope. TV shows ape other success TV series and originality sleeps with the fishes.

When I am teaching scriptwriting - or any kind of creative writing - I point out to my students they should carefully study classics like The Honeymooners and even I Love Lucy in order to understand how tight writing is accomplished, how situations are set up and carried through and sometimes carried over into a future episode because the characters are so well drawn for us, we will understand a reference or minor situation they are in down the road without much set-up from the script.

So does all the tight writing and character development of recent Soprano episodes give us any clue as to how the series will end?

It does appear there will be a lot of blood-letting before the series ends. We have already been surprised by the death of Christopher, one of my favorite characters, and who killed him. The unpredictable Tony is facing in his son what he loathes about himself and couldn't trust Christopher with. Christopher's potential breach could bring Tony down; young A.J.'s mental breakdown and unpredictable behavior nearly cost him his life last Sunday. Tony has much shame to bear, guilt. But the leader in him is not afraid to make the hard choices.

Who will be next? Phil Leotardo? The irritating and creepy Paulie?

Things have gotten much more personal on the series as the unwanted advances and lewd talk to Tony's daughter, Meadow, demonstrates. The old time mob never permitted a member to attack another member's family in any way. Tony is old school. So is Phil when it suits him.

I don't believe Tony will be killed by the end of the series. That would be too easy. Most likely Tony will go into hiding or take over the New York mob after killing everyone he needs to kill to achieve that. He has become increasingly hardened in spite of the occasional lapses into "let's all get along."

I'm sure David Chase will not disappoint. I will miss Tony and company.

March of Death in May

2007-05-17T15:40:00.000-04:00

For whatever reason, May has been designated as "the death month" in my family. On May 16th, my first great love, Mickey Shultz, was born in 1958. We were engaged during our first year of college but I got cold feet. He had other pressing issues too that needed to be dealt with. In short: we both loved each other but knew it would not work. At least not at that moment. And he did not want to wait. I didn't want him to wait. When the idea of getting married to someone gives you recurring nightmares, it's probably not a good idea to pursue getting married. That's the way it was for me back in those days.

Mickey died in June of 1992. Too much living packed into a short period of time.

Today, May 17th, my uncle Herb died suddenly and two days before the birthday he shared with his sister (and my mother) Catherine though they were born years apart.

On May 18th, my father died while Mom and I each held one of his hands.

Depressing? It was for awhile the whole business of losing two very important people in my life in May. But I look at death in another way nowadays. The crossing over concept is very real to me. I believe in the afterlife and that's where we go when we die. The quality of "life" level in this other dimension is determined by your spiritual level on this plane. If you are totally lacking in spirituality, you will eventually gain it in the afterlife though it will take some time.

I also believe pets go into the afterlife. Why? I suppose it is the strong bond we have with certain animals; it can almost inexplicable the attachment we humans can have to a dog, a cat or some other kind of pet with whom we have a strong interaction with. I am not one of these people who look upon my pets as my "children" - they are what they are - animals. Yet my feeling for them is strong and I miss them when I am away for a protracted period of time. They clearly missed me when I return. If anyone had ever told me that cats would be glad to see me come home from a trip and follow me all over the house, I never would have believed it until I got this lot. They are unbelievable.

Their sweet nature and being something else besides human enables me to engage in more introspection and wondering about life and death, that moment when we cross over to another world, so different from our own.

I only hope heaven means not having to clean the cat litter.

Or having a month's worth of memories losing loved ones.

Gearing Up for a Sloppy Weekend

2007-05-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

This is the weekend when the townhouse gets the overhaul inside and out. I'm quite excited about it. The last of the furniture gets unloaded and moved in. I start painting the small bathroom on the first floor. It's a wild color - an "oops paint" concoction from Home Depot courtesy of my mother who dared me to paint the bathroom that color.

What I love about spring is the chance to plant flowers. Mom is treating us to some sod for the backyard and flower bulbs for the front. Sunday is Mother's Day and that will be celebrated down at the beach, probably Rehoboth and Lewes. It's going to be a fabulous weekend.

The first Saturday I have had to myself since January, in fact. My last class was Saturday, May 5th and afterwards I did what most teachers do, wonder how I could have taught the class differently. I already know some things I would do differently the next time. The class had to complete evaluations on me and send them in to the Dean. I got to see them and was very pleased how much they liked me and didn't find me "boring like the other professors." That was a funny comment.

On to the weekend, which I am very excited about. I hope you have an excellent weekend too.

Encroaching Darkness

2007-05-05T10:28:00.000-04:00

Many years go I was grappling with mood swings that went from one extreme to the next. It caused chaos in every facet of my life. I did therapy. I did recommended self-help books. I did medication therapy and was for quite awhile a guinea pig for various meds all in the hope of stablizing the mood swings and lightening the crippling depression that followed extreme episodes of mania.

Last year, without insurance, the balance was nearly lost because I could not afford the medication on my own. Fortunately, I found a way to obtain those medications (legally) through a clinic. Throughout all this and the diagnosis of bi-polar, I learned many things. I learned to embrace the darkness not as a stranger but for what it is: darkness. Curt's suicide threw me for a complete loop and upset me terribly. He was a man who braved many obstacles all in the name of finding new voices in the theater and to get those voices heard and the work seen onstage. It pains me to think that he spent his last moments on earth by himself in his small apartment making the decision that nothing was worth living for.

But darkness isn't always so destructive. I find the night calming. I learned how to accept the encroaching darkness of depression for what it was: a passing dark cloud. I managed to sustain the belief that it would eventually pass. That's the key to survival: knowing that the darkness will not always be there. I have been in that place where I believed the darkness would always be present. I likened my depression to like wearing a soaked, wool blanket over my head during the hottest day of the summer.

In the early 1990s I was given a copy of Darkness Visible written by William Styron who, later in life, went into a deep depression. I found his memoir intriguing and enlightening much as I did another book whose name and author now escapes me. That latter book talked about not fighting off the blackness when that mood comes. Let it arrive, feel it and then tell it to piss off. The danger of this, of course, is perhaps not having the strength to host the darkness, feel it and chase it off. Will your resolve be weaker that day? How do we know when our resolve is steadfast? There is a risk to everything.

The advice of embracing darkness for what it is has worked for me many times. A few times my resolve was not as strong to ward off the unwelcomed, prolonged stay. But I managed to tell myself eventually this would move on. In order to find hope at times I would just open a newspaper and read about the awful things that happen to other people. If I am able to realize that even while in my dark place I'm still better off than others, my resolve can get stronger.

There have been many difficulties the past two years for me. However, through the worst of it I was able to see that down the road there were opportunities coming. This was not a gambler's delusion: it was real and I was lucky enough to have good things come to fruition, little by little.

I don't whale away at it anymore. "Hello darkness my old friend," as the Simon and Garfunkel song goes.

I won't fight you but your visit will be a brief one.