Friday, April 07, 2006

One isn't a lonely number

I had some intriguing emails from a few friends about yesterday's post. They hoped I was not getting cynical given the recent onslaught of frustration and upset.

That is not at all the case.

When I write about being left with yourself in any situation - good or bad - that is not have a negative connation to it. Influences surround you. Bonding with friends and lovers incorporates a part of your soul that feels happy, fulfilled or maybe the bond you thought you had isn't what it was or what you thought it was. So it ends. My point is that in any good or bad situation your feelings and outlook governs what you do. It's who you are. That never changes. The individual that others want as a friend or a lover remains an individual and you will go into your grave as a one being.

Making friends with yourself is a requirement for any potential long term happiness. If you are not happy with who you are, believe me, it will negatively impact your relationships on any level. No amount of physical or emotional intimacy will make you happy if you can't be happy in your own skin. The same is true for enjoying solitude. There is a big difference between solitude and loneliness.

Solitude is enjoying your own company. Loneliness is when you have outgrown the enjoyment of your own company.

That said, you can hunger for more. I believe most healthy people like myself want relationships where there is satisfying physical and emotional intimacy. I don't feel I have any less worth or a failure if I do not ever find the one who will provide me with what will make me happy on a regular basis.

A relationship with physical and emotional intimacy is the best kind in my opinion, but it is not the only worthwhile relationship.

Friends are important but being able to be alone and content to be so is, for me anyway, a critical skill to have. That's not because I am cynical and believe that in the end you have to watch out for yourself because you will wind up that way since men are all louses, etc.

Being alone and enjoying solitude signifies nothing more than comfort in your own skin. And that's a very good thing.

1 comment:

Annie Ruth said...

hi Nancy,

I've not checked in with your blog for a couple of weeks - only due to work-related busy - ness, nothing bad happening. I just caught up with reading your posts and first off, I want to say how sorry I am that you've had such a sad, hard time. I'm keeping your LO in my thoughts and prayers. Addictions are hellish, just hellish, for all involved, not just for the patient but for all those involved in that person's life.

So I pray that your LO finds the strength to keep on the road to sobriety.

As to your post, I *completely* get what you're saying, and couldn't agree more. It's so, so important to feel comfortable with oneself, alone with oneself, I mean.

I have this one friend, he's the life of the party, truly. Folks are drawn to him because he's such a fun guy. We were roomies for a year when I was in graduate school. And it was then that I realized that he was terrified of being alone. Panicked, even, at the thought of an evening, not to mention a weekend, alone. Would start to call people frantically to "get this party started"

so, as a friend, he's tons of fun. But I always felt kind of bad for him at the same time, there was that desperation just beneath the outgoing exterior.

I think it's a rare gift to be able to enjoy an evening, a day, a weekend, etc., by oneself. In fact, when you've been really busy, do you start to feel like you MUST get some time alone?
I know I do.


Anyway, I know you will keep finding the strength necessary to deal with your LO. And, we're here for you

Best,
Annie