Thursday, April 06, 2006

Boast and Toast

Proof that life can get better has once again visited my realm.

Well, I should add that my life is just fine but that of the Loved One mentioned in previous posts has been a mess. However, this award-winning writer still has much to offer in spite of his setbacks. To the utter amazement of his mother and myself, it was recommend by the therapist that Loved One return to his residence. However, there are new rules. There is also the reality that his mother will boot him out in a second and that is a consequence Loved One has never had to face before.

We visited him in the facility last night. I did not want to go, but my mother asked me to so I agreed. I knew it was very emotional for her and I saw myself in a supporting role. However, once in the facility and we met with Loved One, he cried and explained how sorry he was for that incident on Friday night. He went on to say things in such a way that convinced me that he really was sorry and ashamed. He had to be convincing for me to come out feeling that way because I was not receptive sitting down anywhere near him. He was very upset that no one came to visit him for a week. I explained that quite frankly I didn't come because I was so angry that I actually felt I might get violent at the sight of him, that's how upset I was. "I wanted to punch you in the fact and felt that way for a week," I told him.

He thanked me for not coming if that was the case.

I went to on to tell him that he was not the only person hurt by all this and as far as crying, I had done my share of it and was not even able to attend an event I had been looking forward to as I was so upset. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty only draw him out and realize his illness was something that affected all of us. I also told him that I was not angry or ashamed that he was an alcoholic but it was inexcusable to not call his sponsor or any of the many resources he had available to him when he felt the urge to drink. Loved One acknowledged this.

It was decided to take the counselor's recommendation and allow him to return to his residence today when he was released from the facility.

Loved One came home and went straight to bed. He is on new meds plus was not able to sleep much at the facility because of the lousy beds and noisy patients. I went over to the house, brought over subs and chips (a traditional favorite of the family) and then gathered informally in the living room to watch COPS.

My mother was in a car accident some months ago and recently learned that her injured left hand is in fact a torn ligiment. She is in a lot of discomfort, sometimes outright severe pain and there isn't a whole lot to be done for it at the moment. The whole stress over her son and this ongoing injury has certainly taken its toll though Mumsy could have a spear through her eye and not complain of the pain. As she has complained about the hand, we know it hurts.

Besides all that merriment, I had the good fortune to start doing real work at this long term temp job I have at DuPont. I really enjoy this work as it involves constant analysis of how contracts are worded, need to be defined for the electronic records and then audit the record keeping of employees. For whatever reason, everything about the law has fascinated me since college days and in conjunction with my creative work, I have kept my hand in the legal arena which pays very well too.

While punching holes in papers on my desk today, I had an epiphany as to how to solve a plot issue I have regarding a story I am writing. One of the reasons I love the more organized, defined work environments is that I tend to get my best creative ideas there. It was funny because I was not even thinking about the story instead focusing on making sure all the stupid punch hole thingees were aligned so I could put the papers in a notebook of training notes I was creating for myself.

So I am exhausted now much as I am when I teach most of the day. Physically and emotionally it has been a draining few weeks though not entirely unproductive or sad. One thing I learned as a teenager is that life is really a combination of tragedy and comedy and we derive benefits from both though not always in obvious ways. We certainly do not see benefits while in the midst of a tragedy.

Learning how to move on and move through difficult and painful times is indeed a life skill. I have been able to forgive and comfort another while firmly voicing my pain and what I expected to change. This has been an important step for me as I used to be quite the passive aggressive - sending mixed messages about my feelings and intentions. This ruined several friendships and one romance and I have been determined to not allow myself to handle things in this manner.

No matter what happens in life, you are going to be left with yourself. If you can't live with your decisions and the path(s) you've taken, you will never be happy. All the bullshit and external crap that goes on around you doesn't mean you have to give up yourself and be among the miserable folk.

You might as well try to keep strong and happy through the worst muck. What's the point of doing otherwise?

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