Monday, April 28, 2008

The Tide is Turning

Dare I say it but things are starting to look up.

I approach the future with cautious optimism. The extremely difficult times of the past few years caused the worst personal humiliation I have ever experienced in my life. In such tight spots you find out who your friends are. During the past six months, I have had people I wasn't that close to offer immense support and assistance and I have experienced a few cases where the last hope, last resort decided they were done with helping you. The reason they are done is they imagine my life and ever changing circumstances was something I had some control over, as if there really has been a silver lining and I can make gold out of mud. Yes, that is a fantastic concept to have given all that I have related here and privately through the past few years.

Sometimes the help and withholding it is about power. I have had three instances now where that seems to be the case. The inexplicable expectations expressed to me as if nothing I have shared over the past few years was really true.

And then there are those friends you talk to and they turn it into a pissing contest as to who has it the worst.

If I am indeed moving towards a better situation, I am taking along the knowledge that I will never feel the same way about some folks and some folks I will work to develop the budding friendship.

I am there for people I care about. I have stupidly used money I didn't have to be with them during tough times because to me, that is what a friend does. But the feeling is not returned. I do not do things to be constantly thanked. It's not something owed back to me. But it is difficult to understand coldness where you expected comfort.

If nothing else, it's made me strong but there has been a negative impact on me that I cannot shake.

Today I started what is expected to be a long term position with the possibility of being hired. It is a job I know I will love. I am also being considered for another position at an agency where I will also love to work.

Things are looking up but some terrible things have been learned in the process.

2 comments:

John said...

Amen my Sister. I understand how hard it is to go through what seems like the end...and reach for the hand that says it will pick you up...only to hear them say "psyche"...and then as you continue to wade in the waters...barely keeping your head above the spiraling choppiness of Spuyten Divel...listen to the supposed hardship and comparatives of a life led by the removed hands of people who have not even taken the plunge into the metaphorical waters...know that I hear you and wish you strength through this and welcome the focus you have on the positive

Irishcoda said...

Hey there, sorry I haven't kept in better touch with you, glad you got a new cell phone and hope things keep getting better for you I'm here for you even if I'm not emailing or commenting, 'k?