Monday, March 27, 2006

Nothing but a sad day

The Loved One of Friday's post was released from the facility that detoxed him. He was picked up by a family member and taken home.

He was then told to pack up his belongings and leave the residence. LO was surprised but complied without incident. He gathered up his things, got into his car and was gone.

The fresh hell that awaits us is the outcome. There is a feeling we will never see him again, not because LO is so pissed he will be out of contact but that he will drink himself to death in a hotel room, on the street or take a faster route to suicide.

The love for this individual hasn't dissipated; it's the love for this individual that makes all this so terrible in the first place. The person that we love is in some deep hole and we don't know how to rescue him. We can't rescue him. Only he can do that and we fear he doesn't have the mental resolve to do that.

There's no program for pre-mourning the loss of a loved one. The loss has to happen and then there is the fear of that loss leading up to that moment. The damnedest thing is there is a glimmering sense of hope floating about in the darkness that we have. We are afraid to shine any light on it as trundling down that path is too miserable. To ignore the light, no matter how feint, is equally painful.

To give up is to surely fail. To continue hope in the face of blinding reality is nothing more than self-torture.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Nancy,

I really feel for you in this and a few other situations you have described in your poignant blog. I've also had to deal with a couple difficult family members that refuse the treatment they need, refuse to help themselves....which really can irritate the hell out of me since I'm one of the few in the family who freely admits I have problems, would be getting the treatment i need if it weren't for financial probs. that these other relatives don't have...
The only thing I can do to 'keep going' some days is to confide in friends, cry, immerse myself in work and hopefully things that bring the best, not worst, out of me...take pleasure in a joke, a flower, a song, and despite everything, hope that one day the pain will end.
My prayers and thoughts go out to you, your loved one, and the rest of your family, Nancy. xo

-Heather

John P said...

Nancy, why don't you write to Nancy O'Connor. I'm willing to bet that she has a lot of insight about addiction and how we handle it with people we love.

My first reaction is that I don't know what kind of detox facility releases someone after a couple of days. Or am I thinking about rehab? My initial reaction is that someone needs help in this kind of facility for at least a couple of weeks, if not more.

The person you saw the other night was not the person you know. It was exageration of that person. The alcohol prevented any normal cencorship that ordinary people use when upset. He was obviously ashamed of himself and was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are people who would say, "tell him to get lost." Or the "tough love" approach. I don't subscribe to that view. I think it can border on being cruel, and I hate the phrase, "you have to be cruel to be kind." Obviously you don't want to be an "enabler" (psychobabble) for someone who makes it easy for someone to stay addicted.

The man needs help. A real friend will give him that help and forgive his terrible alcohol-fueled behavior if he is sincere in an apology. I'm sure he is sorry!

I don't know the dynamics of your friendship with him, I'm only speaking in general terms here, but if this sort of thing happened to me, I would be more helpful than ever before if the friendship meant that much to me.

The first thing I'd do is look into proper treatment. He needs to join "AA" - and you might consider joining "Alanon" or whatever it is that friends join. That might provide you some ideas as well.

Words can cut like a knife for sure. But don't think that he's speaking "the truth" while intoxicated. He could just as well have been talking to a monkey if he thought the monkey was aggitating him. I'd certainly discuss what he said with him, and I'd be looking for a sincere apology.

If he's worth the friendship, I'd hang in there.

And I'd consider writing to Nancy O'Connor as well - she might appreciate the fact that you thought of her and why, and she might put you in touch with someone who can help both you and him.